I am not the cutest guy on the planet, some would say I am not even cute and I don't necessarily disagree with that. In fact lately I have come to embrace my non-cuteness, especially if I ever decide to go on a trip to Saudi Arabia.
On Thursday the National Post reported that three, seemingly very cute guys, were deported from Saudi Arabia for being too handsome.
At first I had to rub my eyes for a minute to make sure I had read the headline correctly. I had.
It seems the three men were delegates from the United Arab Emirates and were attending a heritage and cultural festival when police evicted them from the festival for being too damn handsome. They were sent back to the UAE after it was suggested that women might find them irresistible.
According to the story, "A festival official said the three Emiratis were taken out on the grounds they are too handsome and that the Commission [for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vices] members feared female visitors could fall for them."
Now this is a group that will set fear into you. The Quebecois de la Langue Francaise police couldn't hold a candle to them.
I mean, what has the Quebecois language police done lately: condemned an Italian restaurant for using the word pasta (good job it wasn't handsome pasta); or taking a distribution company to court because it only provided English instructions for its Super Stretch Sleeve sex toy. HINT: If you need an instruction manual in any language for a sex toy then you are probably in a bit deeper trouble than first thought.
Maybe the Quebecois de la Langue Francaise police need to take a page from the Saudi's virtue book and arrest anyone who is speaking or displaying signs in any language that they deem to be too handsome.
What would we have here in Prince George? The mullet police - deporting you because you like to be all business in the front and party at the back.
What about the pothole police, arresting you because you drove around the pothole instead of through it? What about the vein police or the bald police - because we all know that without wearing head makeup the glint from the shine could hit the eyes of women causing them to blink, which could in turn be interpreted as a surreptitious wink, and that could lead to women all across this great country getting together with shiny-headed men, which we all know will most definitely lead to them tossing their virtues to the curb and engaging in vices with Super Stretchy Sleeves accompanied by instructions written only in English.
Oh my God, it's the criminal trifecta.
How come we don't ever hear of any women being deported because they were too cute or so sexy that they would cause the males to fall for them?
Or is it that the virtue police are just a little on the paper-bag-over-the-head side and they don't need any more competition than they already have?
But it has to be stopped I tell ya. All this handsomeness and attraction of women.
After all, us non-cuties already know that the good-looking folk stick together and have secret meetings where they sit around tables full of anti-ugly cream and buckets full of anti-aging remidies invented by Dr. Fancypants, getting pedicures and cucumber eye masks while formulating devious plots to distract us with their beauty.
It's just not fair. Ban them. Ban all of them I say.
Maybe the UAE needs to set up some stands at the airport for all the handsome men taking trips to Saudi Arabia where they sell moles with hairs on them, fake scars, English-style teeth, contact lenses to make them look cross-eyed and maybe even the odd hunchback or two.
It all makes me happy that I am not the cutest creature under the sun and I will continue to - as I have always done - turn off my lights each evening, draw my curtains and speak Handsome Henglish in the privacy of my own home while refraining from ever chartering a flight to attend cultural or heritage festivals in Saudi Arabia.
