I am happy to report that a giant beetle flew on to my bare ankle the other day and I didn't die.
Less happy to report that after 30-plus years on this Earth, I still react to giant flying things as if I am a toddler yelling "Bug!" at the top of my lungs and running away. After a few panicked moments filled with seizure-like shaking of my foot, ankle and leg, I successfully dislodged the horrible little creature.Then I tried to kick it off the deck, missed, and had to kick it again.
A normal person would perhaps have calmly shook the bug off, stepped on it, and then shrugged the episode off with a mild shudder. Not me. I am incapable of stepping on or swatting anything larger than a hornet.
The combination of a crunchy outside and a squishy middle, never mind the potential residue left on my shoe, culminates in my complete distaste in large bug killing. It is not that I don't want them dead. I just want someone else to kill it.
My family, for as long as I can remember, have been teasing me about my mottephobia (fear of moths, I looked it up).A phobia is defined as an irrational fear or aversion to something. My hatred of flying bugs and winged creatures is completely rational.
They always fly at me, and I don't like it. I have two questions about these beasts: 1. Why do moths have furry bodies, and 2. Why do beetles and crickets have hideous wings that click like the aliens in the movie Signs.
Two days after the beetle versus ankle confrontation, a moth the size of a finch took up residence in our carport. Too big. It was too big.
And although I watched it very carefully for a few days, it didn't appear that it was coming after me any time soon. It was more of a stalker moth than a murdering psychopath moth.
Does my hatred of moths extend to butterflies, you might ask? Is the butterfly flying right at me? Then yes!
The butterflies are then just moths that have tarted themselves up for a party. Is the butterfly flittering about and having a great time pollinating the dandelions in my yard and staying far away from me? Then no, a butterfly is a beautiful insect.
Look at how pretty it is. Wait, is it coming towards me?
Why are you flying into my face dirty bug?Bug! Then the butterfly is a moth's sexy cousin and it has a terrible personality.
I know that moths and butterflies and probably beetles are important parts of a vast and diverse ecosystem.I'm sure there is even a place in nature for mosquitos and slugs and flying ants (why does this category even exist?). I would like it if all of the flying insects and bugs that slime to just go away from me.
This whole swatting around me every time I am outside is ruining the hippie vibe I'm attempting to culminate with the whole organic gardening thing.
Ladybird, fly away home.
