I have been away for a while (some large men in white coats took me for a drive) and during my absence some flabby, semi-famous French actor taking a whiz in the aisle of a plane. It seems he needed to use the washroom before the plane took off, and instead of doing what the rest of us do (holding as much of it in as possible until our back teeth float and our bladders explode) he decides to yell at the stewards at the top of his voice that he has to pee. (No, I don't know what the French word for Pee is).
If we are at the stage where fat, old, French actors are allowed to urinate in the aisle of a plane anytime they feel fit to have a bit of a tantrum, what the heck are all the soccer and hockey fans supposed to do for a laugh. It takes all the fun out of aspiring to be a hooligan when something like taking a pee in the middle of a plane full of people becomes mainstream.
It gives a whole new meaning to telling your friends you were on a flight from Paris to Dublin and all you got was a wrinkly bag and some pee-nuts.
Camels in Australia have every right to think they are getting the hump. A kill-a-camel suggestion in a paper by the Australian Department of Climate Change and Energy Efficiency (ADCCEE) suggests that camel flatulence is adding to global warming and so the camels should be killed to reduce the country's global carbon footprint.
We have already been told that cow farts are a big cause of what some people like to call global warming, but these people are obviously just cow haters.
Now a group called ISOCARD out of the United Arab Emirates is saying the camel farts are somehow not as toxic as the cows. That's the same excuse I use.
The proponents of the camel cull say the dromedaries emit 99 pounds of methane, the equivalent of one tonne of carbon dioxide a year.
They didn't say, but I presume they mean 99 pounds of methane a day. If this is true, I certainly don't want to be stuck in an elevator at a camel convention.
All bragging aside, I have been known to produce somewhere in the region of 102 pounds.
I can only imagine what it must be like to be a married camel and have the bed sheets pulled over my head.
If these camel farts are indeed making the weather warmer I say our mayor and city council should import these poor animals with their cute little Australian camel accents as refugees and help warm the frigid temperature in our fair city.
We could even have some overpaid city workers follow hem around with cigarette lighters and use them to melt the snow on our streets.
Maybe some of them, with all their hot air, could even run for council.
