Dear Humanity:
It has come to our intention you might be considering moving out. We would like to remind you of the contract you signed and the requirements for cleaning the place prior to vacating the premises. In particular, we note that you were given an earthly paradise – a veritable garden of Eden – in which to live and we would like to see it returned to its original condition prior to your move.
Specifically, we have the following list:
Item #1 – Resetting the thermostat. While we recognize not everyone likes the same temperature, there is a mean surface temperature comfortable for the life forms presently on the planet.
We have observed that over the past 150 years you have been slowly increasing the temperature. Perhaps you thought no one would notice. Or maybe just making things hotter would be a good idea. However, we would like you to reset the thermostat to its proper level prior to departure.
Item #2 – While you were given dominion over all living things on Earth, that did not entitle you to wipe out entire species. You were given a responsibility. Unfortunately, too many of you seem to have taken this responsibility too lightly.
We recognize accidents happen and returning lost species is unlikely to occur. However, until you actually leave the premises, we would remind you of your obligations to care for all living things and to stop any further actions which might lead to further species loss.
Item #3 – Following on, we recognize a large portion of the premise is unsuitable for habitation but the oceans, rivers, lakes, and streams are also not garbage dumps. We expect you to return all waters to their natural condition.
In particular, we would ask you to do a very thorough job of cleaning up plastic bags, straws, felt tip pens, food packaging, and other such items which have accumulated in waterways and, for that matter, on land.
We do regret your decision to leave as you have not always been a bad tenant. However, over the past few decades, you seem to have taken to trashing the place. We ask that you clean it up before you go or we will be forced to take further action.
Sincerely, the Landlord
Todd Whitcombe is a chemistry professor at UNBC.
