Skip to content
Join our Newsletter

Tiger sees shadow, declares need for more therapy

Pass me a hanky. Tiger Wood's tug at America's heartstrings, with his scripted, stilted apology moved me to tears. Crocodile tears, admittedly, but tears nonetheless. Tiger has also inspired me.

Pass me a hanky.

Tiger Wood's tug at America's heartstrings, with his scripted, stilted apology moved me to tears.

Crocodile tears, admittedly, but tears nonetheless.

Tiger has also inspired me.

There's no chance I'll ever hit a ball like him, but surely I could apologize like him.

So, here goes.

Many of you have read me before. Many of you know me, have laughed with, or at me, or supported me. Now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish behaviour I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my loyal readers and to my friends. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say. I hope we can start the process of discussing the damage caused by my behaviour. As some of my readers have pointed out to me, my real apology will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behaviour over time. We have a lot to discuss. However, what we say to each other will remain between us.

Have you started to gag, yet?

The only thing which would have made Tiger's statement better would have been a little background music.

You know something to set the mood.

How about Julio Iglesias's To All The Girls I've Loved Before?

But the best thing about Tiger's apology is it reminded me of all those great Tiger jokes. In case you missed them, here are my favourites:

Tiger and Elin have signed a new pre-nuptial agreement. According to the new contract, the next time Tiger plays a round, Elin will hand him his balls

Olympic organizers have stocked the Olympic Village with 100,000 condoms.

They must have thought Tiger Woods qualified for the Games.

Tiger Woods went back to sex rehab today. I hear treatment consists of looking at pictures of Rosie O'Donell and Rosanne Barr in string bikinis.

In a recent survey 1,000 women were asked "Would you sleep with Tiger Woods if you had the chance? Seventy-five per cent said "never again."

Tiger has been named Environmentalist of the Year. It's for all the white trash he's picked up.

At his news conference, Tiger said not to call the other women in his life mistresses, they're provisionals

And the best one of all?

After months of seclusion Tiger Woods emerged Friday, saw his future and promptly proclaimed six more weeks of sex rehab.


For the complete "smart-version" of the Prince George Citizen visit our Digital Edition