Grief, the true heart-wrenching kind over a sudden and dramatic loss, is the most difficult emotion humans experience.
We are uncomfortable in the presence of others when they experience it because we are seeing them at their most vulnerable and we are helpless to do more than simply be there because our words and our hugs are as useless as an umbrella in a hurricane.
Grief is still an emotion, however, so it takes different shapes and forms, depending on the individual. For some, grief and the event that caused it shatter their lives and they live the rest of their days as a shadow of their former self, trapped in a pit of sorrow and despair. For others, grief becomes the catalyst to change lives, starting wit their own, and make the world a better place. There is no formula, there are no rules, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.
For Mike McPherson, coping with the grief after the sudden death of his pregnant wife doesn't mean hiding under the covers and closing himself off from the world. For him, it means talking and communicating and sharing his story, his wife Nicole's story and the story of his son Nixon, the child he never held.
Talking properly about death starts with using the right language. Too many people prefer to say loved ones are "lost," as if that word softens the blow. In fact, the word in that context is an insult. Mike didn't "lose" Nicole and now he's unable to find her and maybe some day she'll be found again. She died and he will never again hear her voice, see her smile or feel her touch. He has suffered a huge loss, he likely feels lost without Nicole at his side but he did not lose her. Death took her from him.
Mike used Facebook to chronicle Nicole's pregnancy in rich detail but her death did not end his need to speak. When the Citizen called to request an interview to talk about Nicole and her mysterious death, he opened his home to reporter Peter James, he allowed photographer Brent Braaten to take pictures throughout the interview and he supplied numerous pictures of himself, Nicole and their four other children. The communication continued afterwards by email, where Mike explained several details left unclear after the initial interview.
His candour and his openness is not a sign of his courage, nor does it indicate his grief isn't deep or that he's coping well. His grief is as painful and raw as it is for anyone who has experienced the sudden death of a spouse in the prime of their life. This is how he is living through this trauma. It isn't any more complicated than that.
Where Mike's bravery is on full display is his focus. He cannot bring Nicole back but he can try to find answers and he will not stop asking until he has them from doctors. He cannot reunite his suffering children with their mother but he can be a father to them. He cannot carry their pain for them but he can be there for them and he no doubt has already discovered how the company of family and dear friends can bring comfort.
And, through Facebook, that network of people who care for his plight is much broader than he ever imagined. Nicole was also active on social media, so Mike is receiving condolences and offers of help from people he hasn't met and people he doesn't even know.
That network will only grow after today, as people read Mike, Nicole and Nixon's story and word of it spreads on the Internet and social media.
Thank you, Mike, for sharing your story with us. Our sincerest condolences to you, your children, your extended family and your friends.
