"GET OUT!!!" my younger brother yelled at me.
Tears flowed down my face. In between sobs, I tried to explain what happened.He was angry at the relapse.
Dad came into the room.
"Please tell him I have a disease! " I pleaded. "I didn't CHOOSE to be born this way."
My brother grew angrier.
He pushed me away.
I left the house with nowhere to go.
My brother was angry at the disease label. He thought it was an excuse.
This scenario did not happen. It was a dream that I had - or rather a nightmare.
People often ask what they should do when someone relapses.During my last relapse, my family practised tough love, cutting me off.They all refused to interact with me except my older brother.
I broke down in tears when he called; at that point, he was all that I had.
This experience changed my opinion on the tough love, "cut them off" approach.I question the wisdom behind cutting a loved one out of your life when they relapse or continue to use drugs.
When my family cut ties with me, I had no reason to stay clean and in fact had a perfect excuse to continue using.I continued use, but held onto my brother's love. This gave me hope and something to work toward.This does not mean giving money nor allowing use in your home but rather just conveying you will always be there when they want to stop.
Based on my personal experience, I no longer cut people out of my life.Instead, I continue to love the addict but not the addiction.
I am open and honest about how their behaviour impacts me but I ensure it is not from a place of anger.If you were a diabetic and lapsed into a coma, I would not yell at you nor threaten you with no contact.Rather, I would let you know that I care and how it hurts me to see you in such distress.I cannot control nor change what you do but I can control my own behaviour and reactions to you.
Anger begets anger and alcoholics/addicts cannot afford the luxury of being angry as it just fuels their use.Thus, it is imperative I remain calm and control any judgmental angry feelings I might have (anger is often a sign of feeling hurt).I tell the addict I love them, that I always will be there for them but that I cannot be around them while they are high, using or drunk.
Addiction is emotional.It is also a medical illness.Diabetes is a medical illness.When a diabetic lapses into a coma due to not following the recommended regime, people do not get angry nor pull away.With addiction, when an addict lapses back into use due to not following the recommended regime, people do get angry and pull away.
We react to the behaviours of addiction.People assume relapse and drug use is within one's own control and that addicts decide to use.The irony is, addiction is defined as a loss of control - the ability to decide is gone.
The addict's brain has neural pathways that develop into a well-travelled rut.Recovery requires a great deal of conscious deliberation to transform these neural pathways into new directions, new pathways and new connections.This is done by continually being conscious of ones's own thoughts, behaviours and actions.An awakening must occur. New behaviours, thoughts must be formed in order to develop new connections in the brain.
I am back on track now and am touched by the support I have received.
Questions for Ann? Send your submissions (anonymously, if you choose) to [email protected] and we'll pass them along.
