Excuse me, do I know you?
Relationships can change drastically after a brain injury - with your spouse, family, friends and the community. Brain injury creates ripples, waves and tsunamis that can significantly affect all kinds of relationships.
As a brain injury survivor, I can tell you the challenges of maintaining relationships are huge. Most often, we appear distant and non-engaged in conversations and activities. We are frequently perceived as rude, selfish and uncaring towards others. This is farthest from the truth.
The reasons that survivors present as aloof are many. We could be experiencing a migraine headache, feeling dizzy, confused and frustrated. Lights and noise can trigger headaches, anxiety and disorientation. Trying to follow conversations can be draining. So when it's our time to speak, we feel so physically and emotionally horrible that we'd rather not say anything at all. And we often don't think about explaining ourselves because we have done this so many times.
I find it difficult to answer simple questions like "how are you?" or "what did you do last week?". Do people really want to know how I am? I can't remember what I did two hours ago so recalling my previous week of activities is impossible. I get annoyed when my spouse asks me "can you remind to...". Of course I forget. Now I tell him "no" and he still asks for reminders.
People forget that survivors have brain injury. You ask how can people forget? It's easy to forget when you look "normal" and for some of us we talk and walk like we always did. A friend of mine recently told a story about his brother who became brain injured. He looked the same but his personality changed to the point where my friend didn't recognize his brother anymore. "You've changed," my friend would say. His brother would reply, "No I haven't."
Many brain injured folks have no clue how they present to others. Drastic personality changes are common. Survivors can perceive the people in their lives have changed. They feel judged, criticized and can seem paranoid. Many of us were brought up to think logically, plan, organize and conduct ourselves in a straightforward manner. Brain injury changes all of these areas of functioning.
For survivors and their circle of folks, managing and maintaining relationships can be very difficult, even impossible. Challenging attitudes and behaviours can come from both sides. People often become frustrated with survivors because we don't comprehend and remember things like we used to. We aren't dependable and reliable like we used to be. Our choices and behaviours are often regarded as irresponsible. On the flip side, not having understanding and empathy from loved ones is hurtful.
It is important for all parties to establish boundaries and maintain them. What are boundaries and why is it important to maintain them? According to the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud: "Boundaries are personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life.”
People who don't have boundaries are constantly being used and abused and lead a dismal existence. By asserting physical, mental and emotional boundaries, this allows one to feel in control of their physical "bubble", have your own thoughts and opinions and disengage from the harmful emotional manipulation of others.
Sadly, there are conflicts that will never be reconciled. Relationships fall apart. Contact becomes minimal or non-existent. As hurtful as this can be, it would be more hurtful to feel constantly attacked and disrespected. It's important for everyone involved to take care of themselves.
