I am here to solve the problems of the world.
No I'm not talking about third world hunger or child poverty or even climate change.
I'm talking about the global curse that is the airline seat.
Why do airlines have a one seat size fits all policy?
Do the people who squeeze the seats into the planes not live in the real world, because if they did they might just see that not only do a lot of people not fit into those seats, but if you took a poor relative's cremated remains in it's little urn and placed it in the seat, the urn would have a hard time getting comfortable in one of those seats.
It doesn't matter where you go things just come in different sizes.
Extra-small shorts, supersize fries, socks that fit a size nine to eleven foot or a size four to six. You can get different sized tires and rims for your car or truck and if you dare look you can get extra, extra, extra, extra large underwear at some of the stores.
Can you imagine if there was only one size of underwear that everyone had to try to fit into. Some would be walking around with the excess underwear tucked into their jeans pocket or just pulled up over the back of their head to stay warm, and others, well they would have to do a lot of squeezing to get them on. Either way it would not be comfortable and that is why we have different sizes.
So why are plane seats all the same size.
I mention this not because I have taken a flight recently and had to squeeze my cute little butt into an airline seat, but rather because of a letter of complaint to an airline named Jetstar by Australian Rich Wiskin who had to sit in his seat next to a "morbidly obese" man and was "smothered in side-boob and cellulite" for the rest of the flight.
Having sat in a trans-Atlantic flight for nine hours with someone in the next seat encroaching on my seat for the entire flight I can feel his pain.
Then it happened. I had a brilliant idea.
It all started when one staff member in the newsroom was not happy that whenever she goes to Starbucks she can't just get a small coffee.
That's because there is no such thing as a small at Starbucks. A small apparently, is called a short and a medium is a tall.
If you want a large it is a grande and there is even two more sizes above that.
Now there is the trenta, which is a huge 31 ounces. That's like a bucket. Who on earth needs a bucket of coffee in the morning. They couldn't possibly drink it before it gets cold, and if they did they probably wouldn't sleep for a week.
Maybe they are purchased by people who might, at starbucks, be called a short, and they take it home in the truck and go for a swim in it. They could even use the giant spill stopper as a diving board. Doing the backstroke in a huge trenta, squirting decaf, soy,caramel, mocha latte in the air with inflatable wings pulled up to their armpits.
So why don't the airlines adopt the Starbucks sizing policy for their seats.
It has worked for the most successful coffee franchise in the world so why would it not work for the airlines.
When you arrive at the airport and go the check-in desk there would be a sizing staff member there to help you with your seat selection.
You put your bags on the scale, hand the your passport and tickets over and when you ask for a short seat, the sizing staff looks at you and says, "no. I don't care how much time you spent trying to squeeze into those spandex, first of all it is not sexy and second it does not change you from an trenta into a short. By the way, your Spanx are sticking out. Would you like a trenta seat near the aisle or the window.
"Next."
"Hi, venti for you and a short for your little friend. Wonderful.
What's that, your little friend would like a tall instead of a short? Sure, but that will be an extra $150."
"Hi, what size seat would you like?"
"I'll have a grande please."
"Oh, sorry. We only have tall, trenta and one short left. Would you like to upgrade to a trenta? You'll find it has much more room than a grande."
The airline could strategically place the seats on the plane so the weight is balanced. If you have all the trenta and venti seats on one side and all the short and tall seats on the other, when the plane takes off there would be a distinct chance it might just fly in circles.
But if there was a problem you could always use some of those extra, extra, extra, extra large underwear as a parachute.
And so with one of the biggest problems facing our world today now solved I am off to Starbucks for a tall double ristretto, half soy, caramel, non-fat, decaf, organic, chocolate brownie, frappucino with foam whipped cream and I'm going to go home and enjoy it in my huge trenta recliner that is not in any way in the upright and locked position.
