Another column about me being wrong.
Again, I love/hate this program as it reveals me to me. After all, I am all that I have--I came into the world on my own and will die all alone--(meaning you will not die in my death). I have only me in my world. Thus the better I know me, the better I can be in my life when living alongside all of you.
Do not get me wrong, this does not mean I am alone, but ironically it truly does. It is both--and. I am BOTH alone AND I am not. I live in a both--and world today, not either--or. Both death and life, both black and white, both day and night. I cannot have one without the other. Yin and yang, male and female, open and closed. Clean AND sober is my life today.
I was wrong in my words about choice.
I wrote as an addict I had no choice. I do. I do decide if I pick up a drink or a drug in my life today.
How does that happen--when (if ever) does choice come into play? I admit I don't know anymore. I do know however, that in the midst of my using it is almost impossible to stop. When actively using I need help to get out, my brain has been hijacked by the drugs that I use. It feels as though I have no choice, but does it really mean that I cannot stop on my own?
I quit drinking 30 years ago, I did that all by myself. I made a CHOICE.
This is how I was wrong in my words, shoot, I hate being wrong. They say in the program that we alcoholics/addicts are egomaniacs with inferiority complexes. That is me to a tee. I love the question of would I rather be right than happy; and in this I guess I'd rather be happy. Why then does this feel so awful to me?
It is about ego. I am an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I am so truly sick.
Viktor Frankle writes beautifully about choice in his remarkable book, Man's Search For Meaning. He wrote about being in a concentration camp during the Nazi based war. He watched as some men gave their only piece of bread to suffering others while others would only steal the food from other men's plates. He said the only thing Nazi's could NOT take away was his power of choice.
That stuck with me. I read that book in my 20's and here I am today, inching my way towards 60. Holy cow, 60 years old....and I am still ill with this horrible disease!! What did I expect--after all Addiction is chronic, life long, it never goes away, it only goes into remission. I only hope that when I die alone, that I don't die with only drugs in my soul.....that is a horrible, sobering, thought.
- Questions for Ann? Send your submissions (anonymously, if you choose) to [email protected] and we'll pass them along.
