The defunct German research satellite that I had been counting on to obliterate my house plunged into Asia instead the other day, meaning I'm going to have to put up the Christmas lights again this year.
That followed last month's failure of a derelict, bus-sized NASA satellite to crash into my local bank branch on re-entry. Guess I'll have to keep making mortgage payments.
But these were minor letdowns compared to the devastating disappointment we all felt when the end of the world didn't happen on Oct. 21. That was supposed to be Doomsday as predicted by California-based Family Radio preacher Harold Camping.
Of course, that was after Camping's first predicted global expiration date, May 21, gave way unexpectedly to May 22, leading to a certain amount of scrambling by adherents who hadn't bought the next week's groceries.
Don't know whether that shook the faith of Camping's thousands of followers, many of whom quit their jobs in anticipation of the Apocalypse predicted in a $100-million publicity campaign this spring. Perhaps his flock should have noted the mathematical error he blamed for an earlier flame-out in 1994, which itself followed a similar swing-and-a-miss in 1988, when the world first failed to end. Armageddon? Armageddon this guy a new calculator.
This is all greatly frustrating to those of us who, just as we are counting on Lotto 6/49 to finance our retirement, are depending on Doomsday to deal with our leaking toilets, credit-card debt and the crabgrass that has Occupied our lawns.
Which is in itself frustrating to those who see us panicking in the face of statistically improbable threats (falling satellites, shoe-bomber attacks, stranger abductions, alien abductions) while steadfastly ignoring the real problems (societal obesity, unsustainable debt, our addiction to fossil fuels) that are coming at us like a slow-rising flood.
Speaking of slow-rising floods, the Environment Ministry is looking for someone to write a primer on how to deal with flooding and erosion resulting from rising sea levels on B.C.'s south coast. The ministry began seeking bids for the contract to produce the guides last week. The idea is to give local governments and other agencies options for dealing with the impacts of climate change.
Five years ago, this news would have sent us running for the hills. In fact, it did. But when the water didn't rise at the same pace -- didn't actually lap at our heels on the way up -we waddled back down. Climate change? Wake us when the waves reach Cache Creek.
"It's very frustrating," says University of Victoria climatologist Andrew Weaver. People today not only want their gratification to be instant, but their danger to be imminent. Warn us that we're going to have a heart attack tomorrow, we'll stop eating french fries today. But tell us that bad diets will catch up to us eventually and it's ho hum, pass the salt.
Same goes for climate change, the effects of which will be felt not by you so much as by your children or theirs. "What it is is a question of intergenerational equity," Weaver says. You don't really want to leave Junior cursing your name while bailing the basement, do you? Yet suggest concrete steps to reduce the consumption of non-renewable resources -- smart meters, say, or run-of-river power projects -- and people just find reasons to say no, no, no, as though there's no urgency to finding a solution.
Happily, the problems of climate change could be solved on Dec. 21, 2012, when the world is scheduled to end. It seems that Niburu, a planet supposedly discovered by ancient Sumerians, was supposed to slam into Earth in May 2003. When that failed to happen, the date was reset to December 2012, with the precise date being somehow linked to solstice on the Mayan calendar.
Can't wait. Might still have to put up Christmas lights, but with the End Of Days coming Dec. 21, at least we won't have to shop for presents.
