I consider myself to be a pretty decent parent. Others may disagree, but frankly I couldn't care less what they think.
I also like to think I have a decent sense of humour, although again, there are some people who find no humour in anything I say or do.
I also want to try to pass on some sense of humility and humour to my now nine-year-old son. On occasion he will ask "dad, were you just being sarcastic?" so he seems to be getting the gist of things.
Anyway, I think one of the reasons to have children - not because it's fulfilling, life-changing, life-affirming, or any other hot-fuzzy rubbish like that - is that kids provide the perfect opportunity to have fun and laugh at someone else's expense.
On one particular occasion when my son was in Grade 1, he had the usual lunch a Grade 1 kid would have, and he liked apples, uncut with the skin still on. A little unusual for a small kid, but that's the way he liked them.
Anyway, one afternoon while going through his lunch bag looking for his stash of candy, my wife and I noticed he had taken a few bites out of his apple - basically he had eaten a circle all the way round - then for some reason he put it back in his lunch bag and brought it home.
When questioned about it, he said he didn't want to finish it.
"Why didn't you just throw it out?"
"I dunno."
"Why didn't you just give it to the fat kid?"
"Daaaad."
Well my wife and I decided this wasn't good enough. After all my dad was always telling me and my siblings that "there are starving children in the world, so you need to finish everything on your plate."
To be truthful the starving kids didn't bother me, it was the thought of the back of my dad's hand making contact with my small skull that I really understood, so I finished the food.
With that in mind, my wife and I - good parents as we are - decided to put the partially-eaten apple back in my son's lunch bag for the next day.
That'll show him, we thought.
After school we again checked his lunch bag - this time for his chewing tobacco stash - only to find he had not finished the apple and it had returned home in the same state it had entered his lunch bag that morning.
When we asked him why he didn't eat, it he just said, "I'm done with it."
We again put the apple in his lunch bag for the next day just to see his reaction and wonder if there would be a reaction from his teacher. I can't tell you how much I giggled thinking of the look on his face when he would open his lunch bag for the third day in a row to see the same partially-eaten, half-brown apple.
When he came home, he never said anything as we rooted through his bag and found the apple. He didn't eat it, or throw it out, or put it under someone else's desk, he just kept bringing it home. Stubborn kid. Stubborn parent.
As kids are want to do on occasion, my son was complaining about his dinner, in particular the potatoes. I just remember him complaining and me telling him he was going to sit there and finish them, because if he didn't he would be eating it for breakfast and lunch the next day.
Then just for fun I put a raw, un-peeled potato in his lunch bag as a little reminder of who was boss.
It didn't phase him one bit.
Shortly before Christmas, when he was seven, my wonderful son made a list of things he wanted for Christmas - one of them was a dog (which has been on his list since he was three) - he also had some other things on his list, which along with the dog he was promptly informed that they were not going to happen.
Not happy he marched off downstairs, came back up, grabbed a pen and paper, went into the living room and started to write a note. A few minutes later he came back into the kitchen saying that my Christmas present was under the tree.
The note simply said "Dad's Christmas present," and on the piece of paper were some rocks from the front garden.
Later that evening shortly after heading to bed I realized I had forgotten to do something. So I got up and wandered down the hall to the kitchen, did what I had to do, turned off the light and started to head back to bed. I noticed one of the rocks from my Christmas present was sitting on the kitchen counter so I grabbed the rock opened the fridge and placed the rock in his lunch bag.
I just kept seeing his stunned little face opening up his lunchbag and instead of finding a partially-eaten apple there would be a big rock sitting between his fruit cup and his sandwich.
I laughed all the way back down the hall to bed and after I calmed down enough to wipe the tears and tell my wife what I was laughing about she burst out laughing and couldn't wait to see his reaction when he came home from school.
It didn't faze him one bit.
The rock came home as did the apple and the potato.
He didn't even give it to the fat kid.
