Have you ever had anyone rub your bum?
If you are like me the answer would be no. A pinch maybe, a grab definitely, but a rub, never.
But (pun intended) on my most recent test drive I think I found out what it would be like, and I think I liked it.
Normally on my test drives I play with all the gadgets and buttons and dials to see what they do, and on my drive this week in the Ford
Taurus SHO I found a little button on the side of the driver's seat.
I knew it was a little button because it was smaller than the other buttons for reclining the seat and moving it back and forth.
So with much anticipation and excitement I pushed the little button, and it felt like some little guy who had been hiding under the seat gave my bum a rub. Immediately I pushed the button the other way to stop it.
Although the rub did take me by surprise, I couldn't decide if I liked it or if I had just been violated.
A few seconds later after my brain tried to figure out what had just happened I pushed the button again figuring if I was going to be groped it better be a good one.
This time the movement under my bum went along the back of one leg across each cheek and down the other leg.
When I pushed the button the other way the rubbing went up and down my back. If this was being groped, I was all for it. It felt great, and on long road trips it would be used often.
But wait a minute. Only luxury European sedans come with little people built in to the seats to rub your tush, and this isn't a European sedan. It is a Ford, and a bloody nice one at that.
I even had several people come over while parked by Marks Work Warehouse to check it out and they liked it. This Taurus looks nothing like its predecessors. It is a large, stately yet muscular sedan and it is actually quite
handsome.
And once you get inside it you feel like you just stepped into Dr. Who's Tardis. It is absolutely enormous. You could throw an elbow at your front seat compatriot and miss by several feet.
You could even talk on the cell phone to your wife to tell her that some short arse under the seat had just felt you up and the passenger wouldn't hear you.
This is a nice car. Any option you could ever need has been included and the
3.5-litre V6 is just buttery smooth and when it appears that it is hammer time the six-speed manumatic drops a gear or two and slaps you across the chest with 365 horses feeling like the WWE's Big Show had just left his palm print on your flesh.
Turns out it was hammer time quite often during my drive and Ford was kind enough to include paddle shifters for super quick up and down shifts.
It is hard to believe this is a Taurus, a mid-sized family sedan that sold millions for Ford over the years, a car that was seen in every
second driveway in the '80s and '90s. But it is.
Only it is the top of the line Taurus, the famed SHO, or Super High Output.
While the Taurus SHO of the '80 and '90s may have had the smooth moves of MC Hammer himself this one is a totally different beast. This one has moved up to the level of Jay Z, and just like Mr. Bootylicious, you will definitely be Feelin' It when you get behind the wheel of this vehicle.
Along with the massager you also get air conditioning in the seats, all the power options, eight-inch navigation screen with back up camera and park assist sensors.
While checking my outside rear view mirrors I noticed a little orange light turn on a few times.
This is a blind spot information system with cross-traffic alert. It tells you when there are vehicles in your blind spot or when they are crossing your path.
Adaptive cruise control uses radar to monitor traffic and adjust your cruising speed to maintain a preset gap between you and the traffic in front, and if it thinks you are going to crash a warning light flashes across the front window, an alarm sounds and the Taurus applies extra braking pressure when you hit the brakes.
The Taurus also came with a thumping sound system for whatever music takes your fancy. All I know is that after driving this Taurus and going for hammer time on several occasions, the only thing left to do was to head to the back of the closet and break out the old parachute pants.
SPEC SHEET
Vehicle
FORD TAURUS SHO
Vehicle type:
4-door sedan
Transmission:
6-speed manumatic
Engine:
3.5-litre V6
Horsepower:
365 @ 5,500
Torque:
350 @ 1,500
Mileage:
12.4 l/100 km
23 mpg City
8.1 l/100 km
35 mpg Hwy
Price as tested:
$53,549
