Letting go is hard to do, especially when you're a bit of a control freak like I am. I either go in one direction, or the other, never between the two. There is rarely a 'gray area'. I've spent my life living this all or nothing approach, but I'm now trying to let go, and live in that gray area more and more. Every time I've made up my mind to lose weight, I would give it all I had, results would come rapidly which bred more and more success. It was exciting, it was a high, and I couldn't get enough. If I had any energy left at the end of a workout session, then I made sure the next time around I would up my intensity. If I had calories left over from my allotted amount, I would rejoice. I was in control, and I loved it. It didn't matter that I could barely walk up the stairs at the end of the day, or that I felt dizzy when I stood up, I was losing weight, and It was through sheer determination and commitment that it was happening. I kept telling myself that If I grit my teeth through it all and just commit to my strict regime, I would get to my goal weight and finally I would be happy with who I was. Except I wouldn't be, and I knew it.
When I wasn't losing weight, it was the entire end of the spectrum. I knowingly sabotaged my health, sometimes I would do it on purpose, while reciting in my head 'Mine as well give up, I'm destined to be fat and ugly'. Salty and fatty foods became my go-to's. McDonalds was a favourite for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I would eat in secret, all the while full of shame and guilt for what I was doing to myself.
The reason why I need to 'let go' and live in the inbetween, is because I've never truly been free and at ease with who I was, or what I was achieving with my health. I either restricted myself so badly, that it was unhealthy for mind and body, or I sabotaged my health so greatly that I'm sure I could have given myself a heart attack at a very young age. The 'inbetween' for me, means learning to accept a 'normal' way of being, and of eating. Of not seeing myself as my weight, but as a flawed and wonderful human being. The inbetween means not looking at food as the bad guy, but finding a relationship with it, that is normal and healthy. Finding the gray area has been tough. I want the results NOW, and I want to feel in control. After talking with my dietician about how I felt that I had actually gained weight, and was rebelling against all the guilt, and the restrictions I had lived my life by, I was actually heading in the right direction. I have begun to stop and analyze why I eat when and what I do when I catch myself 'rebelling' by stuffing my face, and more often then not, it has nothing to do with food. Thats a major realization for me, that can open the doors to a normal way of eating and being. I also feel now that by rebelling, I am letting go, and telling myself that I am not going to be bound anymore by shame, by guilt, and by the restrictions of the past. My dietician reminds me that this process takes a long time, and not to expect changes to come quickly. While this is a VERY difficult concept for me, I know she is right, because I already see positive changes internally, which is where it all starts.
