Jack Knox
Slightly Skewed
Dear Santa,
Seven years ago, with pride and hope in my heart, I left you a glass of milk and plate of cookies.
Given the recent conflict among the elves, many people are wondering why I am part of a group that feels there should be a democratic change at the North Pole.
Of course, by "democratic change" I mean "ignoring the majority and feeding you to the reindeer."
But really, Santa, look at the last gift you brought me: a yellow scarf. Did you honestly expect me to wear that.
Should you choose not to step down in the name of North Pole unity (of course, by "unity" I mean "throwing a hand grenade in the pool") I would like you to bring me a new set of steak knives.
Thank you, Santa. Now that I have shot you through the heart, let the healing begin.
Jenny Kwan
Dear Santa,
For Christmas I would like someone to pull the steak knives out of my back.
Carole James
Dear Santa,
Thank you for the NDP. It was a really pleasant surprise, since we all assumed we would get nothing but a lump of coal in our stockings this year.
Not since Monica Lewinsky has a politician had such an undeserved, unexpected gift fall in his lap. Jeez, it was like tumbling off a cliff and being passed by a guy holding an anvil.
We didn't even have to pay HST!
The Liberals
Dear Santa,
Not to be picky, but couldn't you have brought us this gift a couple of months ago?
Gordon Campbell
Dear Santa,
For Christmas I demand bail and freedom from any further prosecution.
Should I not be released within 24 hours, my supporters will release 250,000 of the documents that you, Santa, have received from children around the world. Many of these - offers of behaviour modification in exchange for "gifts" - smack of influence-peddling. We also have evidence of illegal entry and theft of food from homes, plus the exploitation of undocumented aliens - elves - in your North Pole manufacturing facility (I envision a TV show: Little People, Big Abuse).
As for your personal indiscretions, we are also in possession of photos of you kissing a married woman underneath the mistletoe last night.
Julian Assange
WikiLeaks
Dear Santa,
This is a notice of an immediate roadside prohibition.
Having blown .05 on a screening device, you may not drive for three days. Prior to retrieving your vehicle, you must pay a $250 licence reinstatement fee, a $200 fine, a sleigh-impoundment charge and silage (eight X $36.50) for the reindeer.
Sorry, but your excuses - "It must have been the Christmas cake," "It was just a couple of rum and eggnogs with shortbread" and "Rich Coleman said I could" - simply don't fly. Neither do you.
Superintendent of Motor Vehicles
Dear Santa,
Please give me the Republican presidential nomination in 2012.
Sarah Palin
P.S. I can see your house from my house!
P.P.S. Sorry about Blitzen. Need any venison?
Dear Santa,
Please give Sarah the Republican presidential nomination in 2012.
Barack Obama
Dear Santa,
I would like Elton John tickets. Or, if that's too hard, world peace.
God
Dear Santa,
We want just one thing: jobs. We're desperate, will do anything. We'll be stocking stuffers, cheap carnival prizes, even chew toys for dogs.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. They told us we would be famous, Santa, the stars of the 2010 Olympics! For a while it was true - under licence to Vanoc, partying with Jacques Rogge and Jessica Rabbit, drinking champagne out of ski boots with Lindsay Vonn, did that Wavin' Flag video with K'naan.
But we never quite made it to the podium, Santa. Maybe it was because there were so many of us, or maybe it was because we looked and sounded like Japanese anim characters, but people couldn't even remember our names -- Sega, Peekachoo, Itchy, Scratchy, Sneezy, we heard them all.
Olympic mascots? Hell, all people wanted was those damned red mittens. Imagine coming in second to a sock puppet.
We fell pretty hard after the Games were over. Miga got work as an oven mitt at Denny's, but couldn't take the heat. Quatchi's agent hooked him up with some Wild West-themed dinner theatre in Germany, but after a couple of schnapps the Bavarians just treated him like a napkin. Sumi hurt his shoulder at the Salmon Kings' Teddy Bear Toss.
At least we're better off than our virtual mascot cousin Mukmuk, trapped in some digital dimension like that little girl in Poltergeist.
Miga, Sumi and Quatchi
The Olympic Mascots
Dear Santa,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for B.C. politics -- the gift that keeps on giving.
Adrian Raeside
