Uncle.
That`s my surrender to Cariboo-Prince George MP Dick Harris, who continues to talk about the environment not only with a straight face but without cackling maniacally or tying David Suzuki to a railroad track.
His latest impassioned attempt to stripmine the moral high ground was this spiel to the Citizen: "We`re all concerned about the environment, all as much as the others. We don`t want to leave a damaged environment to our children and our grandchildren."
Uh huh.
One presumes by "our" Mr. Harris means "Tory" and he's describing a future where Conservative kids live in fortified biodome utopias while the rest of us use rocks, sticks and fingernails to eke out an existence in a blighted wasteland of pollution and social conservatism.
Mr. Harris can understand one is inclined to view his comments with enough skepticism to fill a tarsands tailing pond. He is, after all, part of the party that passed a piece of legislation that cut, maimed, hobbled, chopped, and dismembered almost every environmental protection this country possessed. That would be the same party that would drink condensate and replace the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with Enbridge CEO Pat Daniels's face if it would make the Northern Gateway pipeline through this area a reality.
Hence the surrender.
Bold-faced audacity like Mr. Harris's deserves a tip of the hat if not a toss of the cookies. So as a peace offering, here are my suggestions for a green Conservative - or greenCon - set of policies:
- GOCA windmills. Wind-power is an environmental darling. But it's like the hippies who support it - flighty, inconsistent, unreliable. It needs a can-do, made-in-Alberta touch.
Solution: A Conservative scheme to build Gas-Oil-Coal-Assisted (GOCA) windmills. Calm day - no problem. Just pour or stoke a favourite fossil fuel into the handy universal compartment, and voila! the resulting burn gets the windmill turning fast enough to take out flocks of migratory birds.
- Fuel-injected tidal power: Tidal power suffers from many of the same problem as its wind cousin - it comes as it goes. So why not give Mother Nature a kick in the keister? Whereas normal tidal power is boring - the motion of the tides moves a power generator, why not supercharge it by adding oil to the water? Now water goes in, spark makes it go boom, power goes up. It also eliminates the potential problem with pipeline spills by embracing them. Just position a couple of generators in a body of water a pipeline crosses. You say leak, we say lights on.
- Baby-seal candles: The baby seal cull gets a bad rap. So why not add a little recycling to the mix and put a cute face to it by rendering the pests down and using their fat to make candles?
- Adopt-a-scientist: Speaking of recycling, with all the federal cuts to science and other assorted frivolities like facts, the Tories have a bunch of disgruntled scientists on their hands. So instead of having them doing good in government, why not have them do better in the homes of ordinary Canadians? It would be like the SPCA - in exchange for a kennel, some food and a little love, Canadians would bring scientists into their homes. Best of all, they already come muzzled and leashed, courtesy of Stephen Harper.
- Environmentalist camps - Since the Tories already view environmentalists as enemies of the state, why not forge of new relationship with them and start using them to build a brighter Canada. Environmentalists love the outdoors; answer: work camps. With the help of the RCMP, environmentalists could be identified and shipped to opportunities for green service - digging carbon capture tunnels, cleaning spills, draining tailing ponds, burying nuclear waste, etc.
- Asbestosize the Arctic - What's the most underrated green product? Asbestos. It comes from nature and it's fun, like cotton candy. Canada has the corner on this eco industry but asbestos has a bum rap and no one wants to use it. So get radical - if climate change is such a problem, why not coat the Arctic in asbestos to insulate it? It's a Canadian approach that will save Canadian jobs and the environment. Coating the Arctic in asbestos will not only keep it cool and non-melting, it will act as an absorbent layer, trapping water and preventing seas from rising. Plus, if polar bears get tired swimming between ice floes, now they'll have something soft - and pink! - to rest in.
And best of all, it describes Tory environmental policy perfectly - cheap, hazardous fluff whose time has passed.
