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Inside the memory black hole

Hello! Anyone home? My perception is that people often think these words when they are dealing with me. Perhaps I'm wrong. I recently was at one of my favourite take out places, standing in line outside.
nakamura

Hello!

Anyone home?

My perception is that people often think these words when they are dealing with me. 

Perhaps I'm wrong. 

I recently was at one of my favourite take out places, standing in line outside. There were markers clearly identifying customers to stand six feet apart. A man in front of me barked "Back up! Stand six feet away from me!" I was so rattled I was lost for words. What I wanted to tell him was that I was standing on a marker and following safety protocols. Instead I started stuttering and felt like a fool. 

Brain injury has significantly affected my ability to think on my feet and advocate for myself. 

I received a call from a specialist's office to arrange an appointment. The woman was talking very quickly and had a strong accent. I couldn't understand her and kept asking her to repeat herself. I forgot to ask her to slow down her speech. She then started speaking quite loudly which did not help my retention at all. My ears began ringing and my head was pounding. The outcome was that I told her I would have to call her back. I didn't recall one word she said.

Brain injury survivors have our good days and not so good days. Sometimes we understand what people are telling us. Other times, it feels like we are being spoken to in a different language - accent or not. Our brains' ability to filter and process information has been damaged. We can also struggle with hearing. All ingredients combined can create a frustrating and upsetting experience. My peers and I have broken into tears and have had to exit situations where we have felt judged, ridiculed and dismissed.

Stress management is a constant challenge for brain injured survivors. It doesn't take much to stress us out. Our anxiety levels are generally high mainly due to processing difficulties and feelings of low confidence and self esteem. Throw in additional stress and we find ourselves temporarily suspended in a different dimension, unable to connect with our present environment. 

Poor short and long- term memory are common symptoms with survivors. I know I miss out on a lot of information because of deficits in short-term memory. People in my circle know that I will often forget conversations we've had. In my career as a social worker, I was privy to a lot of confidential information. Information that I will take to my grave.

Now, private information people share with me end up in the black hole. If the content is not necessary for me to retain, my brain will delete it immediately. I can appear or sound like I'm listening and I truly am. But the words and memory of it frequently disappear and cannot be retrieved.

Watching movies with me can be frustrating. I won't remember watching them. My poor husband is forever rolling his eyes because I will ask him to watch a particular movie with me and he will say "We just watched this last week!" I'll respond " We did? Are you sure? Can we watch it again?"  

I appreciate his patience and tolerance because I know I can be quite annoying.

It took me two weeks to write this article. There are two reasons. First off, I forgot the topic I wanted to write about, tried to remember what it was, got stressed out and forgot about the deadline.

Hello!

Anyone home? 

Okay I'll come back later.

If I remember.