I was wrong.
I hate/love my 12 step program as it guides me in my life. I don't want to do what it says - when we were wrong we promptly admitted it (step 9). Well, I was wrong and I did not promptly admit it and it pains me (and believe you me it pains me) to say I was wrong.
I am angry and have been angry at you, the world, this disease of addiction.I raged and ranted both in writing and in the 12 step rooms about my perceived injustices towards us all in this deadly disease.
I was wrong about anger.I said it was not useful in addiction.
Anger came to me this morning (as it has everyday this past while). I belong and participate in several Facebook pages.Today I typed on an addiction page that I needed help, I wrote I was mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.The moderator PMed apologies, saying she deleted my post (after it received a flurry of replies, heart emojies and likes). She said I did not have the right forum to say what I did.I replied OK. Then I got mad and thought about messaging her back, but here I am writing you all instead.
Here is how I was wrong with you in my words: I said anger was wrong, not helpful - but it is when used in the right ways.I look at Joe Walsh on America's Most Wanted.His child was kidnapped and murdered.He used rage to change people's lives.He took his pain and turned it into something greater and good.
Me?I used my anger in the wrong way with you.All I managed to do was silence you, like this lady did with me and my words.Her silencing made me feel horrible and left me with only more rage.
Then I did something even more horrible to you. I implied your silence was sick.How dare I! I was wrong, completely and utterly and entirely wrong in my assumptions of you.
In my unconscious state, I projected all my anger and illness on you.Then get this and this is truly the sick part - I felt proud of myself, that I managed to make my words so powerful as to silence all you. I thought I was so clever and began writing a column about how good and wonderful I was in silencing that rage.How horrible and sick and twisted is that?
I am ashamed.
All I managed to do was extinguish your powerful, necessary, life-giving force.
The universe provides lessons I need the most.I need to be taught how horribly disempowering it feels to be told anger is wrong.I need to experience how full of rage I felt, to be silenced in rage. Thus, I need to do something different.They say in the program to stop saying I am sorry as these words, after time, become meaningless.To make real change I need to outline how I will be different in my actions today.
I need to channel my anger in a healthy, constructive way.I need to do as Joe Walsh did - but I don't know how yet.I mistakenly believed this column was one way to do it. I thought this column was my living amend, but the only thing it has done in a weird twisted way, is reveal more about me and my sickness towards you.
Big sigh.
I need to thank you - thank you all for revealing my illness to me.
- Questions for Ann? Send your submissions (anonymously, if you choose) to [email protected] and we'll pass them along.
