Have you been watching the Olympics? Were you annoyed like a lot of other people with the Canadians losing the gold in the ice dance competition? Do you look at the half pipe and think the judges are nuts when they award certain points to one competitor when you know another competitor was way better?
That's the problem with the Olympics. Yes some of the sports do indeed rely on the Olympic motto of citius, altius, fortius, or for those of us who hated Latin in highschool, faster, higher, stronger, there are still a number of sports in both the summer and winter Olympics that do not adhere to this motto. These sports are judged by a number of people who, in essence are, just like you and me. Yes, they may have experience in these sports, but at the end they still have opinions and ideas of what looked like a good twist, twirl or turn. Also - just like you and me - they can be distracted by a box of Timbits that are dropped on the adjoining table. They pick their noses, suffer from bloating caused by too much gas from time to time and may even be daydreaming about the cute Russian waitress at the Olympic village restaurant who gave them a little extra cream on their Ptichie Moloko when they should be watching the ice dancing.
That is why Olympic sports should not be judged, and it is also why some of these judged sports - and maybe one or two that do adhere to the Olympic motto - need to have the rules changed.
Some of the sports like snowboard or ski cross, where six combatants shoot down a mountain over bumps, round turns and over jumps, constantly filled with people crashing into each other and full of excitement, are perfect for viewer entertainment.
Others need a little jolt and a few rule changes. So I have come up with a few changes I would like the IOC to make as soon as these Olympics are over so that competitors can start training for the next games.
The ski jump, where athletes shoot off of a massive jump and soar through the air would be the first for changes. There will be no judging. The farther you go the better. You would be able to cut some holes in your jump suit so the air fills it and helps you stay up longer. You would also be encouraged to flap your arms as fast as you possibly could. There would be a small pond filled with hungry crocodiles so if you don't jump far enough, well guess what.
For the team competition all four members of the team would go at once on one giant pair of skis.
Watching downhill skiers screaming down the hill at speeds in excess of 135 km/h can be exciting for the first two skiers or so, then they all pretty much look the same, so we would have three skiers on the downhill course setting off at the same time, just like the snowboard cross. Shoulder checking is encouraged.
We would have the five man luge, only instead of one being behind the other they would all be directly on top of each other. Not only would they have to get down the hill the fastest, they would also have to balance all five without falling over. If there is a tie, they each have to carry a beer for the final run.
Curling would have exploding rocks if hit in the wrong spot. You never know when you are going to get an eruption of potpourri, or blast of skunk or explosion with shards of curling rock flying everywhere.
Competitors in the skeleton - which is like a head first luge - would have to carry a skeleton and whoever has the most bones left at the bottom wins. They would also be chased by a bunch of huskies who haven't been fed for a few days.
The two man skeleton would be one on top of the other, which is potentially more dangerous for the guy on the bottom, and the run would be covered in thousands of small bumps for extra vibration.
In the snowboard slopestyle, where competitors go across rails and over jumps performing tricks, we would have several shooters with paint guns off to the side. The person hit with the least amount of paint balls wins.
We would add another sport called the tiny slalom. This is for competitors who are too lazy to do all the work for the giant slalom.
There would only be one gate to go around. From start to finish would only be 10 metres with the last five metres requiring a tuck and roll sprint to the finish.
Although I do enjoy the speed skating I would make the skates three times as long as they are now. Not for any other reason than to see how stupid they would look.
Figure skating would be like the three-legged race. They would have one leg tied to the other skater with a bungee. So when one skater is thrown through the air they would only go a certain distance before the bungee kicked in.
There would be absolutely no ice dancing.
