With Valentine's Day having arrived as a total surprise yet again, Jack Knox is surrendering today's column space to
Dr. Romance, who offers relationship-saving advice to men.
Dear Dr. Romance,
After David Beckham's new underwear commercial aired during the Superbowl, she left fingerprints and drool all over the television screen. Yet when I watched the game in my boxers she started bleating like that time I used her old wedding veil to filter motor oil. Is this not a double standard? -- Miffed
Dear Miffed,
Maybe if you weren't watching the game at Future Shop...
Dear Dr. Romance,
When she complained that we don't talk anymore, I explained that it's because the things she wants to talk about are boring.
She became very, very quiet after that, apparently trying to think of more engaging topics of conversation.
Three weeks later, she's still thinking.
Can you help us out? -- Confounded
Dear Confounded,
Certainly. Here are some subjects she might wish to discuss:
A) Can the Canucks go deep in the playoffs without more fourth-line toughness?
B) Your old girlfriends and how much fun they were.
C) Who would win a fistfight, Harper or Obama?
D) Canadian divorce law and the division of property
Dear Dr. Romance,
We were having this great first date at a restaurant, having a totally fascinating conversation about me and how awesome I am, when I noticed she hadn't come back after getting up to go to the washroom 45 minutes earlier.
Since I ate both our meals, can I still ask her to pay for her half?
-- Loquacious
Dear Loquacious,
Don't ask her to pay. Tell her to pay. Women like an assertive man.
Dear Dr. Romance,
She says all she wants is to hear me utter those "three little words." What are those words? -- Flummoxed
Dear Flummoxed,
Multiple choice:
A) "Pull my finger."
B) "Honey, you're overreacting."
C) "Your sister's hot."
D) "I was wr..." "I was wron..." Sorry, can't quite get that one out.
Dear Dr. Romance,
She says Captain Braveheart's hasty exit from the capsized Costa Concordia is more proof that chivalry is dead. Then she glares at me accusingly. What does she want me to do, open the door for her? -- Baffled
Dear Baffled,
She would settle for you putting down the seat.
Dear Dr. Romance,
I am afraid something is wrong with her hearing. What I told her was "Valentine's Day is just a Hallmark holiday and we should not fall for corporate America's clumsy attempt to extort money from us through emotional blackmail."
Unfortunately, what she thought I said was "I never want sex again."
When I suggested she go to the doctor to get her ears checked, she refused, saying she just needed a little cry. What kind of remedy is a little cry?
-- Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Two-teared health care.
Dear Dr. Romance,
You're not a real doctor, are you?
-- Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Dr. Romance cures heartbreak and writes prescriptions for love.
Dear Dr. Romance,
She says being a perfect gentleman one day a year doesn't make up for my flaws on the other 364. Is this true?
-- Saddened
Dear Saddened,
Of course not. Men don't have flaws.
Dear Dr. Romance,
She says most men are as bright as a burned-out lightbulb. Is this a valid comparison? -- Curious
Dear Curious,
No. You can change a lightbulb.
Dear Dr. Romance,
I pointed out that the Bible says man was created in God's image.
She replied that if God leaves whiskers in the sink, can't turn on the vacuum cleaner, snores on the couch, takes you to Hooters on Valentine's Day, can tip the cart girl $5 for a beer but won't pay for parking, has a mustard stain on every shirt and says "who stepped on the duck?" when He breaks wind, then she would rather be an atheist.
Is man really created in God's image?
-- Worshipped
Dear Worshipped,
In His dreams.
