Since brain injury, any joy I felt about the festive season before has disappeared.
Thanks to COVID, I don't need to explain my lack of enthusiasm to the people in or outside of my bubble.
I don't mean to sound negative and Scrooge-like. Brain injury has severely impacted my energy level, ability to plan, organize, multi-task, tolerate noise, lights and people. I am often emotionally flat-lined. One of the difficult aspects of being in this position is having the burden of disappointing family and friends. As time passes, my feelings of guilt have decreased but the pressure is still there. Pressure that I place on myself with help from others.
Just the thought of Christmas shopping makes me want to throw up. Truthfully, because of my brain being over-stimulated by noise, lights and people, I become nauseous. I have come close a few times of creating a yucky, nasty scene in public. I won't put myself in that position and gross people out. I've learned about my limits the hard way.
Gosh, could you imagine me heaving in a store? Or actually throwing up? I'd be accused of having COVID, get thrown out and possibly called in to the snitch line.
"Yes, hello, I'd like to report a woman who I think has COVID. No, I'm not a doctor. She's in the mall and it looks like she's going to throw up. What does she look like? I don't know she has a mask on! And I can't see her very well from here. No I'm not going to walk closer to her. She looks really short. Like a midget. Wait, she just ripped her mask off and she's throwing up in the garbage can. Can you just send the cops? Thank you. Merry Christmas!"
Okay it may not be that bad but in these uncertain crazy times you never know what might unfold.
Last year, it took me one hour to wrap one Christmas present. After that I gave up and didn't have it in me to finish Christmas shopping and wrapping. I recently had to wrap a birthday present and it took almost 45 minutes to complete. So, if a present can't fit into an envelope or a gift bag it's not happening. No more torturous wrapping for me.
Last year, I had a lot of help from my friend Pam to make Christmas dinner. I couldn't keep track of what needed to be on the stove or in the oven, when food was finished cooking, and how to time everything to come together perfectly. Sequencing was and still is a problem for me.
I felt bad that Pam looked after most of the cooking and clean up. And she was one of my guests from out of town. She probably doesn't want to come to my place for dinner ever again. And I wouldn't blame her.
I often say "be careful what you wish for." I wanted a quiet, stress-free Christmas. What I will receive this year is Christmas without kids and my grandbaby. There is always a flip side.
Because my health is compromised due to brain injury, I will not risk my well-being because of one holiday season. And I will not place my family at risk, either. With the rising numbers of COVID in Prince George, I would rather sacrifice now than pay a huge price later, a price that I may have to potentially pay for years to come.
I'm not going to wish you folks a Merry Christmas because this would be a ridiculous thing to say right now.
Stay safe, hold your loved ones close and let's look forward to a better year.
We can always hope.
Right?
