Happy day after Valentine's Day!
What, you forgot? You're so in the dog house.
Luckily, the crack team of love gurus here at KamloopsMatters has your back. Here are our five ways to fix your Valentine's Day screw-up.
1. Hack time
OK, don't actually try to invent a time machine, that's impossible. Stephen Hawking said so. BUT there is the next best thing.
*Pause dramatically*
Hack into all of your partner's devices and change the date one day backwards. It might take some effort, but if you screwed up big you have to go hard. That means going into phones, computers and the sign at Sandman Centre to change the date. It'll take a bit of coding knowledge, but it's the only way to be sure you've got a clean slate.
There is a bonus though, as chocolates will be on discount today, and reservations will be easier to get at restaurants.
Alternatively, convince her that Feb. 15 is actually Valentine's Day, according to ancient calendars that only you know of.
2. Rent a sex doll
If you've been living on a rock recently, you may have missed that Kamloops has a sex doll delivery service. (Also, how'd you get a girlfriend while living under a rock?)
"I know, I screwed up," you say, presenting the teenage-looking Zach (assuming you're a man in a heterosexual relationship). "Here's someone who won't."
The situation will either be so awkward both of you will never speak of Valentine's Day 2019 again, or she'll need an hour of alone(ish) time.
3. Forge a doctor's note for amnesia
Dr. Steven Strange wrote it down, so it must be true. (She's not a fan of the Marvel films, is she? She is? Well, how about Dr. Victor Von Doom, no one saw the last Fantastic Four film, anyway).
It explains why you didn't remember gifts, dinner, a card...everything! Even why you didn't come home last night and why you smell like downtown Riverside Park on April 20. You just have to find a note pad that looks legit and someone with terrible handwriting.
4. Go away
It's a long weekend this weekend, and maybe it's time to try out the old adage "absence makes the heart grows fonder." So just, disappear.
It doesn't matter where (a pullout couch at your friend's house, your old room at your parents' abode, your ex's bed...wait, not the last one), but might we suggest leaving a credit card behind for some I'm sorry purchases?
A three-day weekend free of their idiot significant other is actually a much better gift than anything you could've planned for V-Day anyway.
5. Break up
Just...look...the damage is done. It's going to be too much time and effort to fix things, and it'll never be the same as before, so what to do?
Burn it to the ground and see what you can get for insurance money (maybe the real estate metaphor only goes so far).
It may not be the most fun (in fact, it edges on cruel) but it's also the cheapest, so for all you budget-friendly Billys out there, it might be worth considering.
Five for Friday is our weekly feature highlighting five of...something. Usually topical. If you have any thoughts or future ideas for us, let us know at [email protected].
