I recently received notification from Service Canada that I have been approved for Canada Pension Plan (CPP) Disability benefit.
I stared at the documents that were mailed to me and I felt like the room was spinning. I couldn't focus or understand the content in the package. So I left it sitting on the kitchen counter for a day. It bothered me that I couldn't wrap my head around where my confusion was coming from. I read the documents over and over and nothing was registering.
I went for a walk to clear my head. Then it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. Being approved for CPP Disability was yet another confirmation of having a brain injury that destroyed my career. What I really needed to do was to have a good cry to release some of the negative energy I was carrying. I mentioned in a previous article that my injury caused me to be emotionally flat amongst many other symptoms. I understood my reaction but I didn't have any feelings attached to it. My confusion was the result of not being capable of expressing my emotions.
My case manager at the Brain Injured Group (BIG) and my doctor recommended to me last fall to apply for CPP disability. I knew from hearing other people's stories that it is difficult to be approved. Having a serious, long term condition is the main criteria. I was still in the denial phase then and had convinced myself that my injury wasn't serious enough to justify receiving a disability pension. One of my best friends passed away from cancer shortly after my assault. She was on CPP Disability so my thoughts were "It's not like I have terminal cancer" and "I'm too young to be on a pension."
Months went by after submitting my application. I even forgot about it. I would be reminded of it when I was asked if I had heard anything back from Service Canada. I wasn't at all concerned that I had received no word about my application. I had people tell me not to be surprised if I was denied. Truthfully I couldn't have cared less.
It's interesting to me, especially during this pandemic, how my reactions have been to various events and situations. None of our lives are the same as they were back in mid-March. My last social outing was attending my friend's retirement party on March 13. The following week the hammer came down and socializing became memories from the past.
For two weeks after my friend's party, I experienced stomach aches and my chest felt heavy like someone was standing on it. I didn't have problems breathing but it didn't seem like I was catching a full breath. I knew I didn't have COVID-19 but I wondered what was going on with me.
It took me a while to realize that I was panicking about my friend's party. I kissed and hugged a lot of people that night. What if I had the virus? Or someone transmitted it to me? I've since talked to my friend and he reassured me that no one from the party became ill. We are definitely living in an altered reality.
My stomach and chest issues continue to be present but I now know that it's anxiety from the trying times we are going through. Just when I thought that I had accepted my reality of being brain injured, I am informed otherwise. Our economy is going into the tank and here I am seemingly ungrateful for receiving disability benefits. I believe part of my physical symptoms is the fact that I'm most likely feeling guilty given the enormous financial resources that are currently being distributed.
I am constantly reminding myself to breathe, have faith and practise gratitude every day. I am truly blessed to be residing in Canada. My parents lived through the war, nearly starved and were witness to the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They sacrificed a lot to provide my brother and me with a better life.
During tough times now and in the past, I think of my parents and what they went through. In comparison, I'm on vacation.
I have food, a roof over my head and plenty of support and safety.
It's all good.
