Brenda Schley was told the sexual abuse started when she was a baby.
But she can only remember the abuse as far back as when she was three, and that's when she promised herself no one would ever make her cry again.
The abuse stopped when Schley was nine and someone walked in as one incident of abuse was taking place.
She denied it immediately because that was what she was taught by her abusers: to deny it.
At 15, she started drinking and using drugs to kill the pain.
She quit cold turkey when she was 25 after a coworker was bold enough to tell her that hopefully Schley didn't kill her child one day while driving home drunk.
Schley stayed sober after that, but at great cost.
She developed bulimia, a serious eating disorder.
"I still needed to kill the pain, so then I ate the pain away," she said. "I didn't have the alcohol and drugs anymore so I ate it."
Trying to outrun the trauma
When Schley thinks back today on her healing journey, she sees a blur of steps forward.
"It's been amazing," she said of the necessary actions she took when she was finally ready to take control of her life.
The eating disorder affected her for decades because she couldn't escape the pain of the sexual abuse.
"I was really angry all the time and beatin' the hell outta people," she said.
"Yeah, I was pretty angry. My head was spinning with constant thoughts and I was living a nightmare every day of my life."
Schley bounced all over the country trying to outrun the horrible memories that plagued her.
She found herself tormented by suicidal thoughts for many years as a result of the abuse she suffered as a child.
When a coworker died at the mill she worked at in Mackenzie, she blamed herself.
The man didn't lock out his machine before doing maintenance on it. She didn't have anything to do with the tragedy but she took it on and ate that, too.
"I knew that he didn't put his locks on but in my heart I thought I killed him and I wanted to die," she said.
"He was killed in November 2007 and I went into the Mackenzie hospital in January 2008 and stayed there for two months because I was on suicide watch."
When she was released from the hospital, her bulimia was completely out of control.
"I was puking eight, ten times a day," Schley said.
"And consuming so much. I could eat three foot-long sandwiches and cookies and chips and go home and puke and two hours later I would eat again. The food most people would consume in a week I would consume in a day. Yeah, I would just eat and puke, eat and puke, eat and puke."
Continuing her recovery
Schley didn't break that vow not to cry until she was in her late 40s, then she cried for about a year during her healing, she recalled.
Now at 52, she can talk about her ongoing recovery.
She doesn't have to rely solely on her memory, because she's kept a journal for most of her adult life. Those journals and her present perspective are the basis for a book she's writing now.
She's been sober for more than 25 years and she got the bulimia under control, but it took time.
Schley sought help through counselling throughout her life but she never stuck with it long enough for it to help her.
When she was released from Mackenzie hospital Schley made her way to Prince George for more in-depth help.
In Prince George Schley found a particular counsellor she clicked with. At the time, Lana Tosoff was with the Prince George eating disorder clinic.
A few years later, as Tosoff moved from the clinic to the Surpassing Our Survival Society, which specializes in counselling for children, women and men who are victims of sexual violence, the two women kept their connection and Schley continued her recovery, making the long drives from Mackenzie, even through the winter.
After three or four years, the weekly counselling sessions went to every other week.
Still, more was needed.
'Finding the path'
Schley was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder and after years of counselling and great progress, Tosoff explained, sometimes people get stuck.
When it happened with Schley, she was introduced to a technique called eye movement desensitization and reprocessing or EMDR. The goal of EMDR is to help diminish the ongoing effects of distressing memories by engaging the brain's information processing methods, which then relieves the symptoms the patient is presently experiencing.
"It was like finding the path that I needed to go down," she said about EMDR. "And then I could process, not just in my head but in my soul."
It's a powerful technique, but Tosoff stressed that it's not for everyone and works best for patients well on the road to recovery.
"And we don't want people to think it was an easy ride out of that eating disorder, either, because it sure wasn't," Tosoff said.
None of it was easy but Schley was ready to do the work.
"There were times when I soared through and came out the other end feeling free," she said, looking back on what is now nine years of counselling and treatment. "I just want people to have what I have now. I want people to feel the freedom that I feel now. I want them to have the freedom to be able to speak, to breathe, to feel like you're a human being and that you actually matter to people because now I have a voice. I don't feel like I'm going crazy anymore, because I felt like I was crazy my whole life and I just wanted to die. Now I don't wanna die. I feel like I can fly on my own now. I wanna to be able to help people and I want them to be free like me so if you need a counsellor, go get one."
Supporting SOS
As part of helping others, Schley is doing what she can to raise awareness for the Surpassing Our Survival Society in Prince George. The organization provides counselling in a safe and supportive environment for individuals, families and groups. SOS works with women, men, and children to help them overcome the effects of sexual trauma and violence.
The youngest client is three years old and the oldest is in their 70s.
To help support the SOS Society, there is a fundraising event called Wine, Dine & Unwind on Saturday night at the Fore Bistro at the Prince George Golf and Curling Club at 6 p.m. There will be dinner, live music provided by the Jack Van Somer Band, a silent auction and a 50/50. Tickets are $40 and can be purchased at the Sunlife Financial office located in the Parkwood shopping centre.
