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Ask Ellie: Old friend, boyfriend make it weird with unwanted sexual advances

They crossed a boundary that made you uncomfortable and you should tell her that

Dear reader: As I noted in an earlier column, my daughter, Lisi, will be handling the writing duties a few times a week. Enjoy her take on today’s questions. – Ellie

Dear Lisi: My college roommate and I are really good friends. We’ve known each other for ten years, and lived together for two. We both grew up three hours from our college town, but in opposite directions, so we’d often go to each other’s homes for weekends.

We graduated a few months ago and have gone our separate ways. She’s moved to another city to pursue her dreams and I’ve gone home to figure out what I want to do next.

She invited me out to her new place, a cute house she rents with her sister, and to meet her new boyfriend. They met almost immediately after graduation. I was so excited to spend a fun weekend with her and just hang out.

But things turned super weird and awkward when, after a fun night out — dinner and drinks — we went back to her place, and her boyfriend came back with us. I said goodnight because I was tired and also wanted to give them some privacy, and went to her room to sleep. About 30 minutes later, I woke up to find them in bed with me, naked and having sex!

And to make things weirder, when I opened my eyes, he looked at me and asked, “Wanna join us?”

I got up and left, and fell back asleep on the couch — but with one eye open. I awoke early the next morning, got in my car and left.

My friend is calling me, begging me to return and acting like I’ve done something wrong. I don’t even know how to speak to her.

Uninvited bedmates

Honestly, I think you need to call her and just lay it all out. If she’s happy, you’re happy for her, but you were creeped out by what she and her boyfriend did. They crossed a boundary that made you uncomfortable and you want to put some space between you.

If she’s free to visit you, and you’re up for it, great. But her boyfriend is NOT invited. And next time you go out there, discuss in advance where you’ll sleep.

Dear Lisi: My husband is having an affair. I know because the woman’s husband called me. He doesn’t care; their marriage has been over for years; they just hadn’t pulled the plug. And he can’t stand my husband; they know each other through friends.

But I care! We’ve just had our second baby and it was a rough pregnancy for me. I have no doubt it was hard on my husband as well. But I NEVER thought he would find solace in the arms of another woman!

He did a good job of hiding it because I would have told you he was a pretty hands-on dad to our toddler.

I’m just trying to figure out what to do before I lose my mind and go ballistic on him. I don’t want to be a single-mom — certainly not with two tiny children — nor do I want to break up my family. But I can’t forgive him.

How do I move forward?

Devastated Baby Mom

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. But you must move forward, because staying stagnant isn’t an option. I strongly suggest you speak to your husband. He needs to know that you know. And you need to know what he’s thinking.

Is he hoping to start fresh with her? Is he wanting to have both, as he has now? Or is he capable of ending the affair and gaining back a healthy marriage with you?

Once you get a feeling of where he’s at, you can then start whichever process is necessary.

Either way, it would behoove you to seek some marriage counselling. Even if it’s a step to divorce, it’s helpful to understand where things started to go awry and how you can continue parenting your two babies.

Dear Lisi: My husband is addicted to sports. All he ever wants to do is watch sports on TV. It doesn’t matter what the sport, he’s just staring at the screen.

I’m an active outdoor person, which he used to be. I’m always trying to get him to go golfing with me, or on a hike or for a bike ride.

He can’t – there’s a game on.

Help!

Sports Widow

Is there a sport that you also like to watch? Tennis? Hockey? If so, why don’t you try to get tickets to watch something in person, now that people are spectating again at live events.

Tell him you miss him and the fun life you used to have. Perhaps just getting out of the house, and away from the TV will help him regain some active living.

Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.