Wanting to make people happy is a great quality. But people-pleasing is very different from kindness and it can become a serious problem.
If you find that you’re always saying yes so that people think you’re a good person, or you don’t want to appear selfish, you may be a people-pleaser.
For example, when I first started working as a prosecuting attorney, I had to report to a senior lawyer. At first, I really enjoyed working with her. But, over time, she started assigning some of her cases to me, on top of the full caseload I already had.
Each time this happened, I’d tell myself that the next time it happened, I’d say, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I have to finish what I’m already working on. If anything changes and I have time, I’ll let you know.”
But nooooo, instead I took the easy way out, and said: “Sure, I’ll do it.” I’d say it in that high-pitched I-can’t-believe-I’m-doing-this voice that I have when I’m agreeing to something I don’t want to do.
Of course, I’d then spend the rest of the day feeling ticked off and resentful. One afternoon, she called me into her office to assign another pile of cases. I had finally reached a breaking point, and it was clear that it was time to set some boundaries.
But boundaries are hard when you’re a people-pleaser hell-bent on making sure people like you.
When we have the courage to set boundaries, even at the risk of disappointing others, we start to believe that we matter. As a result, people learn how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves.
When you set boundaries, you’re less stressed, you become a better communicator, and you learn that "no" is a complete sentence.
Here are five ways to set boundaries:
1. Get really clear on your values. When you know your values, you’re able to develop systems that will help you meet your needs. For example, you may love running and volunteering, so you set boundaries around working overtime.
2. Identify the boundary situations that are most difficult for you, like saying no to your boss. Now, imagine the situation being successfully resolved when you’re clear about your boundaries.
3. Understand that you can’t change other people. All you can change is how you respond. A boundary of mine is that I don’t work between the time my son comes home from school and when he goes to bed. I don’t respond to emails, phone calls, or text messages. People will test your boundaries and may get upset when you enforce your boundaries. But when your boundaries are in alignment with your core values (one of mine being family first), you won’t get annoyed when they’re tested.
4. Decide in advance what the consequences will be when someone pushes your boundaries – because they will. For example, when someone repeatedly calls me during my family time, I just don’t answer the phone. Remember, boundaries are about honouring your values and needs, not about judging other people.
5. Ask for advice from someone who isn’t personally invested. If you lack boundaries, it can be tempting to ask for help from the very people you are trying to please. Instead, talk to a coach or counselor - someone who is not personally invested in the outcome.
When it gets hard — and it will — remind yourself that you can’t form authentic relationships with people unless you’re willing to be honest and speak up. You will never reach your greatest potential if you’re trying to make everyone happy all the time.
Pamela Barnum has enjoyed an accomplished 20 year career in the criminal justice system: first as an undercover police officer in the drug enforcement unit and then as a federal prosecuting attorney. She spoke in Fort St. John at the 2019 Spark Women's Leadership Conference in May.
-Pamela Barnum, Alaska Highway News
