I knew I was in for a great night of TV when my wife turned to me on New Year's Eve and intoned like a laid-off Greek chorus: "Honey Boo Boo just said, 'You better redneckonize.'"
Oddly enough, it`s not the worse portmanteau I've ever encountered - that distinction belongs to the Vancouver store Fabtabulous, apparently a menage a trois where fabulous left most of fantastic out. But the uncomfortable prepubescent pole dancer gyrations of the reality TV phenomena Boo Boo nevertheless scored very high among the highlights of CNN`s live New Year's Eve coverage.
When I first heard CNN was doing a New Year's show I imagined it would consist of Wolf Blitzer darning his beard while crying as James Gandolfini dressed as Chris Christie sang Auld Lang Syne. But apparently the 24-hours news network has dropped its James Earl Jones voice every New Year`s Eve for the past six years and handed the reins of one of history's most powerful information juggernauts to self-proclaimed D-list comedienne Kathy Griffin.
The exercise is given a sheen of legitimacy by co-host and real journalist Anderson Cooper, who is friends with Griffin, but that's quickly exploded by the fact that Cooper giggles like one of the saucer-eyed Japanese anime schoolgirls. The resulting alchemy, between the escalatingly outrageous Griffin and the increasingly uptight Cooper is, to quote Kenny Bania, "Gold, Jerry! Gold!"
Now there is a lot of blah wah blah from serious TV critics (is there such a thing?) about how a news organization as serious as CNN can let Griffin loose on live TV. Admittedly, the red-haired schlock beast did simulate having oral sex on the very giggly, very uncomfortable, very gay Cooper near the, ahem, climax of the show. But c'mon, we live in a world where cable TV news considers Nancy Grace a legal expert, the incandescently pompous Piers Morgan a personality, overheated stock shill Jim Cramer a financial guru and puts money honey Erin Burnett out front with a wink and a nudge.
When Jon Stewart is one of the world's only trustworthy news analysts, society loses the ability to poo poo Kathy Griffin as a New Year's Eve host.
And one can understand CNN's thinking. As Kathy Griffin lampooned when she announced Justin Bieber, Beyonce and David Petreus were about to perform for the show, CNN doesn't have the money to compete with any of other network's New Year's extravaganzas. So the network went D list with Boo Boo and a Florida drag queen named Sushi who thanked Cooper for coming out of the closet.
It was New Year's Eve for everyone who doesn't drink champagne on the last day of the year - a little awkward, a little wallflower, as the evening makes the slow crawl to midnight.
That was deliciously underlined when Ryan Seacrest, also in New York's Time Square for his Rockin' Eve, sent over Korean rapper Psy of Gangam style fame over to say hello to Griffin and Cooper. Griffin told Psy he had so much money, it was coming out of his butt. Psy replied, for whatever reason, "That means a lot coming from you."
That was when my wife interrupted: "That's MC Hammer." To which I replied: "Isn't that racist just because he's a random black guy standing beside Psy?"
Griffin then said: "Was that a career-ending big slur calling that guy MC Hammer?" My wife and Cooper then simultaneously confirmed it was indeed bygone rap icon MC Hammer, who is performing with Psy, before Cooper added: "I haven't seen him since he wore those big workout pants."
The night degenerated from there: Griffin talking about tickling Cooper's sack... of presents; random hate at U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte; Cooper indignantly stopping a tourist who put at banana peel in a mailbox; Griffin, egged on by a text by Suzy Ormond, wanting to throw money in to the crowd and make it rain; Griffin, again, saying Cooper would end up like Britney Spears under a 5150 hold, strapped to a guerney in a negligee; Griffin, one more time, telling Cooper to hit her like Ike Turner.
Cooper is the ingenue in this piece but he's not entirely innocent. I don't know what he'll consider the highlight of his career: making 60 Minutes or telling Griffin: "Honey, when I was on your show it was [loose] like a wizard's sleeve." Borat fans, be horrified; the rest, look it up.
And bizarrely enough, there was even serious news. CNN flashed to Eastport, Maine, where the town celebrates the holiday with its Canadian neighbours in New Brunswick by first dropping a maple leaf and then a giant sardine to celebrate New Year's. As CNN's Gary Tuchmann was speaking, perhaps a little squiffed, a red flag and an Idle No More sign, both symbols of the First Nations protest movement currently underway across Canada, appeared behind him.
But it wasn't a night for politics. "Put it down," said Tuchmann to the protesters. "We need to see the sardine."
