The parent that does best with children becomes the parent that is loved and adored. Though infants cling on to mothers, later in life when on their own, children generally do not have unqualified leanings towards a parent based on gender. This means that fathers have just as good a chance as mothers have of receiving the admiration and support of their grown up, strong, young kids in their advanced years if they have done well as doting fathers in their younger days.
What role in a family do fathers play and are fathers dispensable?
Fathers are primarily life initiators. But beyond that momentary stamp of a contribution, fathers could play a lifelong role of leadership in nearly all things relating to the family: of providing for the family, of guidance, protection, decision-making, and value setting in the home. None of this, however, can be done well for long without love and attachment to one’s wife/partner and children. And none of this can be done successfully if the father does not have the freedom and encouragement to be who he should be within his home environment.
It is easy to think that a father can be dispensed with especially if mom is financially self-sufficient. But a father’s role in the family goes beyond being merely the bread winner and the source of the family’s finances. Money matters, but it does not explain a successful family fully. Both male and female children tend to fall in line and develop well when there’s a father figure at home. While mothers have been observed to fill in the lacuna well for absentee fathers and rear children well, struggling alone with nurturing kids and maintaining the home does take its toll on the mother. In homes where the father dies early in unfortunate circumstances, his brothers usually step in to provide the fatherly oversight. In other homes where the father has left following an estrangement, maternal uncles fill the void.
A good father is always there for his children. And in homes where a good father has been there to guide and care for his children, the children take comfort from fatherly presence, guidance, and emotional support long after they themselves have turned fathers.
A father being there for his children is often, though not always, linked to two important things – the father’s connection to the children’s mother and the father’s character – especially his not being given to vice of any sort.
Many conjugal relationships become mundane after a while and there are biological, psychological, economic, and socio-cultural reasons for this. The cravings of men within a conjugal relationship tend at times to be different from those of women. While a man’s cravings relate to egotistic satisfaction often translated into a physical submission of the woman, the woman’s cravings hinge around emotional satisfaction. Uncompromising rigidity on the part of either or both relating to personal cravings and a refusal to understand the other often cause severe fractures within the relationship and threaten to break it.
A man must show maturity and foresight when his marriage or conjugal relationship is under threat for such reasons. It is always best for him to take a distant approach and ask the question where will my rigidity lead to and how will it affect me? A distancing from his wife/partner or even an outright rejection could make his relationship with his own children frigid and that is never good. It is never good for his own future, for every man is deeply invested in his children physically, psychologically, emotionally, and in terms of the time and money spent on them. In severing ties with his own children, the man destroys part of his good future and that is a very important consideration for him before a breakdown actually happens. Children are also very important to the identity and sense of fulfilment of a man, and a severance from his own can be emotionally and psychologically challenging. Both sons and daughters are known to develop deep bitterness against that parent, father or mother, who has abandoned them midway on the journey of life.
For the sake of the children, a father should be willing to make sacrifices. To keep his children close, the father must be focused on them and not on himself or on anything else. Even his relationship with his children’s mother should to a great extent be inspired by his love for his children and desire to keep them close. Possessiveness, insecurity, jealousy, suspicion, frustration, and anger though arguably negative energies are incentives that enable a father to stay connected to his home.
Fathers must be cool-headed, learned, knowledgeable, wise, loving, responsible, financially well-sustained, exemplary, and involved with their families. If in any of these areas a father is lacking, it will surely affect children adversely. Life succeeds for fathers when they are willing to be tolerant, patient, positively inclined, and willing to make adjustments with what they have.
The lifespan of men tends to be shorter than that of women. With stress levels rising especially in cities, and with men more given to addictions than women, fathers are more likely to succumb to cardiac arrests, strokes, high blood pressure, renal failures, cancer, and other fatal ailments. Fathers must take care of their physical health if they wish to live longer for and with their children.
A good father is a priceless gift to his family. His wife/partner will cling to him against all odds and his children will take pride in telling others that he is their father.
- Reuben Louis Gabriel, Ph.D., teaches philosophy and history at the College of New Caledonia in Prince George.
