Dear Lisi: I think my husband is having an emotional affair but I don’t know with whom or how to prove it. I know it’s not a sexual affair because we have great sex often. And during those moments, he’s connected. But the rest of the day, he’s distracted, moody, negative, and generally unpleasant to be around.
If I try to connect with him through conversation, he just mumbles that he’s tired — no matter what time of day or night — and goes off to sit with his phone. If I press, he glares at me and repeats that he’s just tired.
He’s not fun around the children; he’s often on his phone, distracted. When the kids try to engage, he snaps at them that he’s tired. I’m sure that he has his head somewhere else, but a) I don’t want to snoop; b) even if I wanted to, his phone is never out of his hand or pocket; c) although he says he’s always tired, I go to bed before him usually so I can’t even snoop while he’s asleep.
I can’t live like this anymore. I like to be happy and laugh. What do I do?
Lonely and Suspicious
From what you wrote, I can see how it seems possible that your husband is engaged in some kind of affair. But really, there is no proof. In fact, to me it sounds like he’s involved in something — business or otherwise — that is all-consuming and not going well.
Maybe he’s gambling and has lost lately; maybe he has an addiction that you don’t know about; maybe he heard that he’s about to lose his job and doesn’t want to worry you.
There are too many unknowns here to make an assumption. You must talk to him. Don’t let him get away with using tired as an excuse. Catch him before that’s possible, for example, after breakfast on a weekend morning. Invite him on a hike or somewhere where you can be alone and talk. Tell him you’ve noticed he’s distracted, moody and often tired and you’re concerned for him.
If he gets defensive, you may need to seek outside help.
Dear Lisi: My granddaughter just got home from two weeks away with her boyfriend, his older sister and her boyfriend. They drove up to the mountains and went camping and hiking.
Something happened out there and I don’t know what. My granddaughter seems different. I only spoke with her on the phone, but something’s just not right. I don’t know how to bring it up with my son, or even if I should. And I’m not sure how to get time alone with my granddaughter to see if she’ll talk. We have a family celebration (the reason she came back) and there are lots of people around all the time right now.
I could use some advice, please.
Smart Granny
What I didn’t realize when I was younger, and most kids don’t realize, is that thoughtful and involved parents and grandparents KNOW when something is up with their children/grandchildren. We know our people. We can tell by the shape of the shoulders, the posture, the arch of an eyebrow.
I have no doubt that something happened out in the woods, but your guess is as good as mine. So, how do you get it out of her?
I suggest going for a drive. You said you’re busy with a celebration … offer to go pick something up and have her drive you there. The car is a great place to chat — no eye contact, no one else around, captive audience. Then go slow. She needs to know she can trust you. Be patient.
Dear Lisi: My husband tells a VERY detailed story. If they weren’t so boring, they’d be interesting. He has an interesting career, and is very active. He has a lot to share. But his delivery and his detail ruin even the most exciting tale of his adventures.
How can I help him? It’s embarrassing and painful to be at a party with him.
Bored Wife
I love that you’ve asked for advice on how to help him. But I can’t quite tell if you want to help him because you want him to be more interesting, or because you’re embarrassed.
There are courses he could take in public speaking, or even have private coaching, but — does he think he’s boring? Or does he think he’s a great storyteller? If the latter is true, you have a harder situation at hand.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.
