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Parents form 'gender creative' support group

Part 1 in a series - A little Prince George boy lives his life as a Tom Girl. He and his family have found that society is not as prepared to accept him, compared to his Tom Boy counterparts.
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Part 1 in a series -

A little Prince George boy lives his life as a Tom Girl. He and his family have found that society is not as prepared to accept him, compared to his Tom Boy counterparts.

Graeme Williams, 7, is too young to have sexual preferences or exhibit sexual behaviours, but instinctually gravitates to what are seen as traditional female social constructs. Since before he was conscious of gender and social stereotyping, he has behaved as a little girl. He prefers to wear dresses, he prefers to play with dolls, he prefers to think about princesses and ponies more than monster trucks and slingshots.

He is a well-rounded child, his parents have found, who does well in school and has many friends. His confidence in his peers (and growing self-awareness) is what led him into some recent angst at school, and moved his parents to form a family support group for the other school-aged children in Prince George who have the same personality profile.

"We were always unconcerned by this," said his mother Kerry. "He was just our child and if that's how he chose to express himself, if that's what he liked, then that was fine with us. We knew it was more than a phase. From as far back as we could remember it grew to be clear that this was in the fiber of who he was, not just playing around."

"It's not like we discussed how our child may be gender creative, or our boy may in fact be a girl in some way, we just went with the flow. We just let Graeme be the child he wanted to be," said his father David.

Extended family and neighbours seemed to grasp and integrate this with their own relations with the Williams family. When the typical hand-me-downs and gifts would come through the door, Graeme would receive girl-orientated items. His brothers were unfazed by Graeme's preferences. His classmates were curious but there was no bullying of the boy, nor did he lash out at any of his peers out of alienation.

Graeme was not blind to his traits, however, when compared to others. He heard the term "Tom Boy" and translated that phrase for himself. He told his parents he was a "Tom Girl" and liked the way that title applied. He was a boy, and had no sense of wishing to transform his physical features, he just liked girl things the way some girls gravitated to boy characteristics in their clothes and toys and play preferences.

There was even a book about this subject.

A children's story called My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis gave Graeme context that he was not the only little fellow who framed his life this way.

Graeme wanted to tell his classmates about his Tom Girl term and read them My Princess Boy as a way to articulate his obvious differences.

"He was so overjoyed that he found himself in a book," said Kerry. "It was so validating for this boy who had never seen himself represented in regular culture."

However his teacher refused to present the book to Graeme's class, the principal blocked this idea as well, and at first School District 57 concurred.

The Williams were given what they felt were excuses, like "the book isn't part of the curriculum" and so was ineligible to be read out to the class. They were told there were "union issues." They we told that sexual topics weren't discussed until family life education modules in later grades.

This was not about sexuality, they argued. Graeme may or may not be gay. Nor was Graeme asking to use the girls' washroom or play on the girls' intramural teams. This was about innocent gender expression, they explained, and was relevant for classroom discussion due to the potential for schoolyard bullying, the leadership it would provide other children perhaps masking the same traits, and the message to all children that their spectrum of individualities and differences would be recognized without discrimination.

This year, however, the school district responded to the Williams' situation. A number of meetings were held, some with district officials and some involving associated supporters. While SD57 officials refused to discuss Graeme's specific case for privacy reasons, they acknowledge they have developed new policies and made staffing changes during this school year that would apply to situations of gender creativity.

"We made a lot of assumptions about their (school officials) support, and they did not respond as we would have expected," said David. "But they are working on our concerns, there were things that changed and we have heard some positive future plans. I just wish some things were handled differently at the start."

Had their request in their son's school gone smoothly, however, the Williams may not have ever discovered that others in the district were going through the same thing. As a result, the Williams have started Gender Creative, a family support group.

"How are we - families, schools, the general community - working to ensure that our child and every child is safe and supported? How are we ensuring that Graeme knows he is fine just the way he is?" Kerry said, discussing the fundamentals of the support group.

"Because there was a message that got projected out of all of this: Graeme was given the impression 'someone is clearly not OK with who I am' and that needs to be addressed, now, and it is going to take work and resources. And how many others are going through a similar thing?" said David.

"We can't prevent kids or even adults from bullying or teasing, but we can provide supports for when it happens," said Kerry.

The first meeting for Gender Creative is tonight. Subsequent meetings have been scheduled for March 19, April 2 and 16 and May 7 and 21. All are slated for the downtown branch of the public library starting at 6:30 p.m. There is no charge to attend, no preregistration is required, and it is focused on families "raising a rainbow," for children aged 11 years or younger.

Part 2: Understanding gender creativity