Dear President Trump:
Congratulations on your victory. It was huge. The best victory ever.
It is clear you know the best people and have the best people working for you. It is clear the Dems are losers. So sad. And all those people who didn't show up for your inauguration are just second-rate has-beens. After all, you had the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and some of the New York City Rockettes. It was huge.
I am writing to you today from Canada. You know... the country that isn't Mexico. The United States' upstairs neighbor, so to speak. Normally, we are the quiet country no one hears from. I know we are part of NAFTA but that was an accident, so please don't hold it against us.
We know it is America First.
Always has been. Always will be. After all, you are making America Great Again. After the last 100 years, America deserves a chance to be one of the great countries of the world. We fully support your efforts. America first!
But would it be possible for Canada to be second? I know every second counts. And we would certainly like to count. With that in mind, I would like to offer you some reasons. Good reasons. Great reasons. The best reasons for Canada being second.
And I should point out there are other countries vying for the spot of number two. Switzerland, for example, points out its majestic mountain ranges. The Alps. So small. So tiny. You could wrap your hands around the Alps.
If you want to talk mountains, Canada has the Rockies. I know you think the Rockies are a baseball team in Colorado but the Rocky Mountains stretch across the backbone of the entire continent. America and Canada share the Rocky Mountains. They are truly magnificent. Best. Mountain. Range. Ever!
We also have the prairies. Flat as the eye can see. We have three coasts - bordering on the Atlantic, Pacific and Arctic Oceans. The Netherlands built dikes to hold back the Atlantic and separate themselves from Mexico. We have the best dikes ever. And we surrounded ourselves with water so the only country we touch is the United States. Talk about a monogamous relationship. Best relationship ever. It's huge.
After all, we are your largest trading partner. Except for China or so the lamestream media claims. Fake news. It's a Chinese hoax. Canada is your most important relationship. We might be like a first or second wife - the one you think you have grown out of - but we are still there supporting you all the way. Terrific relationship.
I know you might look at Canada and realize it is bigger than the United States. Size matters. When it comes down to it, Canada is really big. Almost as big as Russia. But a lot of Canada is water. We have the best lakes. Terrific lakes. The best lakes ever.
We are even willing to share our lakes. We let you have one of the Great Lakes as a show of good faith and friendship. And they are great lakes. Terrific lakes.
If you look at land mass, Canada is a little bit smaller than the United States. Really. It's a fact and not even an alternative fact. It's true. I know folks don't want to hear that but it's true.
And if you drain the swamps, you will have even more land. America is big.
Besides, if you look at a globe or map, you can cover Canada with your hands. It might take both of your hands because they are so tiny but you could cover up the country. No need to be jealous. Canada isn't a concern. It's true.
You don't have to worry about Canadian's sneaking into the United States. We are already living peacefully with you. We have the same values. And we are sorry about Lorne Michaels. Not funny. Not funny at all. Saturday Night Live is soooo old school. Sad.
We know many Canadians are living in Los Angeles but there are many Americans now living in Vancouver. Fair trade. More Americans will be moving to Vancouver, too, as the film industry shifts north. But you can keep Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Pamela Anderson, Michael Cera, Dwayne Johnson, Rick Moranis, Eugene Levy, Ellen Page, Kiefer Sutherland and Keanu Reeves.
But we would like Michael J. Fox back. And William Shatner because he is something of a Canadian icon.
In any case, you don't need to build a wall to keep us out. If you would like to build a wall to keep your fellow country folk in, that is fine with us - as long as you pay for it. Or maybe get Mexico to pay for it in a convoluted trade sanction deal.
In any case, it's America First.
Could it please be Canada second?
Sincerely, Todd.
