Growing up, he was always so angry and fearful but never knew why until finally, as an adult, it all came crashing back the day his dad died.
A victim of sexual and physical abuse as a child and a client of Surpassing Our Survival Society, Rob Richards believes he needs to tell his story of recovery as a way of inspiring others.
"I want to give back, to men in particular, by sharing a story that is full of hope and strength," said Richards, 59. "It takes some courage - you have to reach a place of vulnerability within yourself to recognize not only what happened to you but that you can move on and that's where some people get stuck and, unfortunately, stay in a victimized place."
It's important for a person to come to a place where the shame and that sense of being a victim is replaced with looking ahead, said Richards, who had deeply repressed the memory of the abuse he suffered as a child until about 10 years ago.
"I had no recollection, no visions, no impressions until the day my father died and then it was like some place in my brain that I hadn't been able to access opened up and all of the evil, all of the sensations, every single image came flooding into my brain," said Richards.
"And I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know what was wrong with me. It began to affect my work and it began to affect my relationship with my ex-wife and that was when the process began for me."
Richards has gone to counselors and psychiatrists and they helped him identify some of the emotional content but they were limited in their ability to help him move on, he said.
"Until you really connect to the core of yourself and help it to grow you're still stuck and you can't evolve," said Richards, who was a member of a family that looked ideal from the outside.
As a result of the abuse suffered at the hands of his father, Richards had a lot of bottled-up anger, he said.
"I never understood it and I had no idea why I was so shy and afraid of everything when I was little," said Richards. "Other people would sense that weakness and I was a target for bullies all through school. Of course, the reaction to it was to fight back."
There was a long history of discipline at school and with the law when he was younger and a history of addictive behaviours, he said.
"All that kind of stuff is typical reactions to the abuse," said Richards, who said he read an article that found two thirds of addicted people had suffered some form of sexual abuse in their life.
Further, he said if the numbers are to be believed, one in four men are victims of some form of abuse and are not coming forward.
"Not only is that crippling themselves, it's crippling their relationships with their spouses and their children and that's a never-ending cycle that I feel needs to be broken," said Richards, who is a voracious reader always looking for any takeaways he can use on his healing journey.
"For me it's all about growth and not about standing still. I can identify with something and say 'yup that's me for sure' but what am I going to do about it?" Richards challenges himself.
He said he crashed hard about 18 months ago despite all the progress he made.
"I lay on the couch going 'is this really all there is?'" said Richards. "Is this who I want to be? Am I really going to stay in this place where I am filled with all this anger? And the answer became no, so I reached out and now I am getting help from what I'll call a higher place."
Looking at the emotions and giving them up allowed Richards to move forward.
"And that's been my breakthrough," said Richards. "The sense of spirituality is what's grounded me. To me this is never ending. You can explore this as long as you're alive and you can experience as much of it as you want to as long as you're willing. So for me it was a no brainer."
Richards also turned to yoga and meditation to further his healing.
After a recommendation from a neighbour, Richards took a yoga class.
"I was in good physical shape and the first class I went to was a 90-minute hot yoga class and it just kicked my ass," said Richards, with a shake of his head.
"I didn't understand it. OK, let's figure this out and since that time I've become familiar with what it's actually supposed to be about. It's not a physical exercise. It was never destined to be a physical exercise. It's supposed to be a reconnection with who you are. It's about allowing your body to feel things. Not pushing it to feel things."
When he entered the yoga studio the words used by the instructors to guide the class felt so unfamiliar to him, Richards added.
"Connect with your breath, open your heart, allow your body - and I'm going 'allow?'" said Richards. "I don't understand this and open your heart? That terrified me. There was many a class where I was lying down in meditation at the end of a class where I was weeping and not understanding why and I've talked to lots of people since then and that's a common thread for people who open themselves in the newness of yoga. A lot of emotional energy is held in our bodies - especially bad energy and it must be released."
Without yoga and meditation, Richards said he would never have gotten as far as he has in his healing.
People who experience post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) come in all forms. They are not all war veterans and first responders. Not all PTSD is the same, said Richards.
"War veterans and first responders are given the tools to go into a situation where they're going to be challenged and that's part of their job description," said Richards. "The expectation is they are going to come into a situation where they are required to act in a way that is not typical to their behaviour. Children have no tools. Children have no expectation except to be loved and nurtured by those that surround them and when your abuser and the person that challenges that is someone in the family, possibly a parent who is supposed to help you discover who you are, that whole idea of identity is challenged for the remainder of your life until you can find a place where you are grounded again. And it's different. I'm not saying the PTSD that's experienced by veterans and first responders is less. It's just different. Children who are survivors need a special way of embracing this uniqueness."
Through much study and intense meditation, Richards allows himself to look at the emotions and be the observer instead of embracing them. In observing the emotions we start to recognize that they're temporary things, he said.
"Sure they've influenced us for years and years but once you see them then what you choose to do with them and what effect you are going to allow them to have on you is a choice," said Richards. "At some point in time if we want to get better we all have to look at what's influenced us over the course of our years and believe that that's not ultimately who we are and whatever it takes to get to that place and allow that to happen and let go of those emotions that's what will work."
For some people that may be through clinical help, for others it could come from spiritual help and for a lot of people it's been through a 12-step process, added Richards.
"Our minds, especially the minds of those who have been abused as children, are filled with static - about the past, the fear of the future - and the very last thing we attempt to do is live in the moment and enjoy today for what it can offer," said Richards. "It's as we begin to develop that skill that we truly begin to start being engaged with what's going on around us again and connected to ourselves and those around us, especially those we love. Until we come to that place - whatever it takes - we will stay lost, absolutely. We have to clean that shit out. We have to get rid of it."
Richards said his greatest sense of peace comes when he has done this work and then starts giving back.
"Then I'm happy, man," he said with a sideways grin. "And when I touch other people's lives - and I know it because they tell me - I know that's why I do this. That's the most fulfilling place. It isn't about coming to a place where I'm successful, it's about giving back. That's what this is about. That to me is the whole reason I've gone through this, so that I can give back."
SOS society's role
Surpassing Our Survival is a non-profit society in Prince George that provides counseling and support services in a safe and supportive environment for individuals, families and groups.
"SOS was the beginning place of being able to see the behaviours that had led me to the place of confusion," said Richards. "I wasn't able to understand shame or guilt or any of those things that really drove me into a place of fearfulness. The shame and guilt were huge for me because as a first born it was my responsibility to protect my siblings in a way. That's always something that you kind of believe so when I found out after they'd been talking about it for decades that it actually happened my sense of shame and guilt in not being their protector was immense."
SOS helped Richards understand that feeling those emotions was good.
"What do you mean it's good?" said Richards.
"My counsellor Lana's response was 'at least you're feeling something now.' SOS really started to help me see it was OK to have these feelings and it was OK to look at them. They weren't going to kill me. It was OK to appreciate the fact that all this happened and to get it. Now what do you want to do? And they introduced me to the fact that I can heal. SOS has a huge part to play in why I am at where I'm at because the patience they have."
When Richards started going to SOS he attended weekly and then at times called for backup.
"I remember calling Lana one time from the Costco parking lot just terrified and she was accommodating and she was patient with me and one thing those people have down there is an understanding of the dynamics of what happens to people when they get wounded so badly," said Richards. "They are able to direct people towards healing choices, and they always put it that way. It's always a choice. No one can convince you to heal. But the best thing they can possibly do is to help you identify with that bad stuff - and it is bad, but it's just stuff - and allow you to see that there is a route away from it."
People accessing the services of SOS can go there just to vent, but Richards warns that might not be all a person needs to do to heal.
"And for me that sense of willingness to heal came over time," said Richards. "I didn't have it initially and I began to see with reading a lot of material and going and thinking about what they were telling me that there was a sense of hope."
It was no longer an endless cycle he had to embrace, he said.
"It was something that I could get away from and that's what SOS did for me," said Richards. "I like what their name says Surpassing Our Survival - it's going beyond - and that's the one thing that appealed to me right away because I love words and the power that words contain. Going beyond our survival - I'm not just a survival candidate. I'm thriving in life now and that's the message that SOS definitely carries - that you can thrive in this life."
The SOS Society is the only agency in Prince George that serves men, women, and children of Northern British Columbia who are seeking counselling support to heal and overcome sexual assault and abuse in their lives.
To get in touch with the SOS Society, or for more information, visit www.sossociety.net or call 250-564-8302.
Victimization numbers
In a 2004 survey on victimization of violent crime, sexual assault was the least reported. Only eight per cent of sex assaults were reported to police and of those reported, eight per cent were reported by men.
The Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics said of those men that reported the crime:
- 48 per cent of the incidents took place in a private residence,
- 16 per cent of the incidents happened within an institutional setting (this percentage was two and a half times higher than for women),
- 47 per cent of the abusers of these men were not family members but were known to the victim, for example, a teacher or coach.
- 19 per cent of abusers were strangers.
According to the report, males were mostly victimized by other males, expect for a small portion where women had victimized young males. Teens and children made up the majority of male victims.
Independent research found males and females up to their early teens have an almost equal chance of being sexually assaulted. One in five for males and one in four for females.
In the report Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse and Assault: Their Experiences by Susan McDonald and Adamira Tijerino, there were 59 participants and 57 reported having been sexually abused as a child and 53 had been abused by someone they trusted, including family members.
Almost all participants said they suffered from depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, with many contemplating and attempting suicide.
Most were distrustful of others and extremely ashamed of what happened, carrying guilt as it if were their fault. They also felt unworthy of the love of others.
When participants of the study were asked to describe positive coping strategies, they included counselling, sports and hobbies, religion and volunteering, while negative strategies included dissociation, drug and alcohol use and sexual promiscuity.
