Hello poppets.. I hope that your week has been tremendous.
I'm not a God-loving lady, mostly because I drink heavily and I've heard that the Big Guy upstairs frowns on that, but sometimes I really have to wonder.
One of those times happened when I was watching the Golden Globes last weekend and Jodie-imma-crazy-lesbian-Foster made her acceptance speech. It was as if God wanted to take it easy on me for this week's column, by having the Jodester make such a fool of her own self.
I think that Jodes may have had a few too many glasses of the bubbly before she got up. It's not entirely her fault, champs has a tendency to sneak up on you.
The big question on the interwebs is whether or she came out of the closet or not. It's so clear to me, when one chooses the blunt above the chin bob, formally coming out of the closet is hardly necessary.
One of Hollywood's hunks, Jeremy Renner, announced that his ex-girlfriend is preggo with his child. Hawkeye was quoted as saying he'll "fly in when her water breaks." Charming. Knocking up a real-live girl is a quick-fire way to quash those perky gay rumours.
Elton John and his Canuck husband have another son to add to their aging brood.
Elton is 400 years old, and his hubby isn't that much younger. Nevertheless, they rented someone's uterus and are proud to announce, Elijah Daniel Joseph Furnish-John. What is with all the names? Are they Latin?
NBA star Kobe Bryant has eclipsed David Blaine, David Copperfield and Houdini when it comes to successfully pulling off a magic trick. Kobe and his sometimes wife, Vanessa have called off their divorce proceedings. You'll recall that Kobe was caught with his pants down, so to make up for his indiscretion he bought (her off with) an eight carat purple diamond. She shut her mouth really quick after that. I can't help but wonder what he has purchased for her this time, to keep her around. A 10 carat muzzle? She would settle for one carat of self-esteem.
J. Lo was at the Golden Globes with her rented-boy, Casper, over the weekend, or as I like to call it: This is your life, Jennifer.
All of her relationship bombs were in attendance, Ben Affleck, P-Diddy and I'm sure that Marc Anthony was floating around haunting the place somewhere up in the rafters with his ghoulish face. Next week, Jenny from the block is gracing the cover of People. She looks like a golden retriever with the bangs she chose to sport.
None of your past loves will ever come back to you with that Dippity Don't.
According to some folks with very keen eyesight, Taylor pterodactyl Swift may have had her assets enhanced.
If the rumour is true, then I says Brava.
We all know that A-cups are the work of the devil.
Maybe the next little fix up could be "open-your-eyes" surgery? What do you think, Tay-Tay?
Then at least you'd be able to see the men as they run away from you.
It wouldn't be Kill My Darlings without at least a small mention of the trainwreck we hate to love - Lindsay Lohan.
After Linds was paid a babillion dollars to "hangout" with the Prince of Brunei, her father came to her rescue, not literally of course -- that would be out of character. He was quoted as saying: "My Lindsay is not a high class escort." That kind of father/daughter bond can't be duplicated. If you read between the lines he actually said: "My Lindsay will give you a good time for a five dollar bill and a popsicle."
Until next time, lovelies...