Poppets, I'm so sorry for any feelings of abandonment you might have felt, but I got married darlings to a wonderful fellow and then I caught the influenza and was bedridden for the last week. So together, let's recap all the nonsense that has been going on while I was on the mend.
The story that has become almost as big as her derriere, is that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a babe.
I'm not sure how I feel about this news, in fact I'm fairly certain that I don't care.
Can't help but wonder who will be a bigger whiner, Kanye or the wannabe-Blu-Ivy?
He may not get nominated for awards, but West has this one in the bag.
First he writes a song called Gold Digger and now he and Kimmy are procreating. Coincidence?
Speaking of Blue Ivy and her parents, the Duke and Duchess of the one per cent, they reportedly spend $83,000 a month on nannies for the chosen one.
Remember, poppets, when it was normal to leave the kids with a 15-year-old and pay him $10 an hour whenever mum and dad need a stiff martini? Or if you are a Lohan, you pull the car around the side of the watering hole, give them a CapriSun and a box of raisins and call it a day. Ah, the good old days.
Poor little baby-booboo-Bieber. He is having a hell of a 2013 so far.
First a paparazzo was killed while trying to take pictures of the Biebs, then pictures surface of the Canadian boywonder smoking something other than cigarettes. Of course, it's not Justin's fault that he is a Mary Jane fan, but an evil rapper who is clearly the bad influence in the situation.
I don't know about you, but maybe if everyone smoked a little (or a lot), his music would be tolerable.
Let's chat a little bit more about Lindsay Lohan. The latest in the trainwreck that is her life is that Prince Azim of Brunei paid her $100,000 to party with him in London.
So she got paid to go out with a guy. There is a name for girls who do that. What is it again?
Way to keep the dream alive, Linds.
We should all be proud of Jennifer Lopez apparently. She was quoted in a magazine that she dresses herself, combs her twins hair and picks up their clothes. Again, she does that all by herself.
Is there anything she can't do?
I don't know about you, but I've never been more proud to be a woman.
Matthew McConaughey and his wife, something-or-other, had their third child just before New Years. They have a son named Levi and a daughter named Vida. Wouldn't it be great if the new baby is named Loca. Say Levi, Vida and Loca fast. Ricky Martin would be so happy.
Sadly, they went and named the kid Livingston. What kind of name is that?
This next ditty is not about a celeb, but about one of the girls that was on that horrendous show, Teen Mom.
Farrah Abraham, the mom who has her life so together, that she's spent $16,000 on plastic surgery for her face, has already written her autobiography called My Teenage Dream Ended. She's so deep.
Anyway, she was recently confronted with a very difficult parenting dilemma. It was bound to happen at some point or another. Private school or public, circumsized or au-natural and of course to tweeze or not to tweeze.
Her daughter Sophia, was apparently suffering from a hideous unibrow.
After attempting to wax the three-year-olds brows (gasp), she did what any good mother would do and tweezed them while the baby was sleeping. I wonder if she learned that trick from Joe Simpson? I really do want to give up on life sometimes darlings.
She of course blogged about it and the closing line was "Ah I feel like a good mom."
I give her to about 16 before little Sophia turns to the pole. No one will blame her and everyone will understand.
Oh and, Taylor-pteradactyl-Swift started dating one of those kids from New Direction. But he wised up and broke up with her. Just a quick no-kidding update.
Until next time lovelies...