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Bananas, Fetterly and a movie for Kinsley in city’s future |
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Written by Citizen Staff
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Monday, 05 January 2009 |
For the past 12 months, secreted in a subterranean chamber deep under 150 Brunswick St. and guarded by the most fanatical of cheerleader ninjas, the Prince George Citizen has been working on an uber-sensitive project that will, literally, metaphorically, figuratively (but not alliteratively) alter humanity.
Today, that project can now be revealed -- it is MIOPIC, the Meta-Integrated Opinion/Prognostication/Infopretation Computer. A nano-engineered hybrid of the Aztec stone calendar, Stonehenge, tea leaves and the soul of Nostradamus, it is, quite simply, the most awesome instrument of predicting the future ever devised.
We're going to use it to write better horoscopes. But, to test it out, we stepped into the MIOPIC chamber this week and commanded it to reveal the fate of Prince George in 2009.
After the tech department rebooted MIOPIC a couple of times and reinstalled Windows, here is what the machine said:
n Citing a commitment to the public purse that goes beyond fiscal to "physical restraint" and an enlightened view of social policy whose response to homelessness is "it sucks to be them," Prime Minister Stephen Harper turns to the Central Interior and appoints perennial Prince George mayoral bridesmaid Eugene Fetterly as Canada's "forests czar" to revive the struggling industry. "He's a true Tory and is the best hope to reinvigorate this sector," says Harper of his new czar during a press conference in which Fetterly bites Cariboo-Prince George MP Dick Harris.
n In his first year away from the mayor's chair, Colin Kinsley sees his fortunes go up and down. He stars in Boston Legal: The Movie as William Shatner's long-lost step-brother, NASCAR team owner Lenny Falwell Crane. But he faces controversy when his oft-criticized junkets to China finally bear fruit and he convinces Prince George Cougars owner Rick Brodsky to move the troubled franchise to Inner Mongolia.
n The Cougars move is just one of the woes city council must deal with. The city is shocked to receive $325 billion in federal infrastructure funding for a new performing arts centre downtown but, after being told it must be built in two weeks, Prince George is embarrassed when the 45,000-seat amphitheatre is dubbed "The World's Largest Pothole" by Architectural Digest. Mayor Dan Rogers is pilloried when his much-ballyhooed $889-million trail system goes around in circles and doesn't lead anywhere.
n Desperate to unseat area MLAs Shirley Bond, Pat Bell, and John Rustad, the provincial NDP launches its "northern dream team." Unfortunately, its all-star tandem consists of
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Lifestyle TV
in Prime Time
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Rod Blogojevich, Stephane Dion and Renshaw horse owner Frank Mackay. The Green Party also struggles with candidates, as it did in the federal election, running a camel, a pine beetle and a block of beetle-killed wood.
n The Prince George Air Improvement Roundtable releases its long-awaited report. It says the air in the city is bad and something must be done. Council votes to defer the issue to the next election.
n Prince George appears on CNN as the space shuttle Atlantis encounters trouble on re-entry and is forced to make a landing on the city's new extended runway. Unfortunately the publicity quickly turns negative -- the city slaps NASA with a $20-million "boondocking" fine while five lab monkeys from the International Space Station are seized because they violate the "exotic animal" bylaw.
n Climate change continues at such a frightening pace that, by July, shifts in weather have Prince George acclaimed as "the Riveria of the North." A College Heights resident is spotted feeding the Atlantis lab monkeys bananas from his backyard grove.
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Last Updated ( Monday, 05 January 2009 )
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