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Monday, December 1, 2008
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Like bobbing for french fries |
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Written by JACK KNOX
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Monday, 06 October 2008 |
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BLOC QUEBECOISJACK KNOXVICTORIA TIMES COLONIST
Or maybe I'll do something more enjoyable -- jam a knitting needle in my ear, perhaps, or go bobbing for french fries.
Lordy, but it's tough getting fired up about this campaign. It's like the part of the wedding reception where you crawl out from under the table and dance with Aunt Tilda -- an act of duty, not desire.
Never felt this way about an election before. I'm a political junkie, been hopelessly hooked ever since I was 10 years old and my dad took me to a debate where a brawl broke out between the Conservatives and the Communists.
Me ignoring a political campaign is like Bill Clinton walking past a cheerleader convention and not even looking up.
I would feel guilty were I alone. But nobody -- nobody -- is talking about this one on the street. Even the hard-core politicos would rather watch backup goalies Joe Biden and Sarah "I can see Russia from my house" Palin square off on American TV than tune in to our own leaders' debate. (Watching Palin is like watching NASCAR, waiting for the spectacular crash, the only difference being that in NASCAR they consistently turn left.) Why the apathy? Because the Canadian campaign is, as the pundits say, the Seinfeld vote, an election about nothing. Not only that, but it's a rerun of an episode that was just aired. Same cast of characters as in 2006, only with Dion replacing Paul Martin in the role of George Costanza, and Elizabeth May playing Elaine Benes.
Anyway, for the benefit of those who haven't been paying attention, or who noticed that the Dodgers-Cubs game was on during the leaders debate and sort of switched channels and didn't switch back, here are the most significant developments in the campaign so far:
-- Stephen Harper has started wearing blue sweater vests. It's supposed to make him appear cuddlier, but just makes him look like a cross between Mr. Rogers and Hannibal Lecter. Don't worry, he'll go back to sleeping in a suit as soon as he's re-elected.
-- Unhappy with the Liberals' unfamiliar second-place standing in Parliament, Stephane Dion is doing his best to go for third. Got to wonder about the political acumen of anyone who chooses to campaign on a complicated eco-platform that the voters distill to two words: "carbon tax." How do you say "dead man walking" in French?
-- Nipping at Dion's heels in the polls, Jack Layton appears giddy at the prospect of raising the NDP from obscurity to irrelevancy.
-- Who would have thought federalist anglos would be rooting for a separatist to take Quebec? Gilles Duceppe and the Bloc Quebecois might be all that stands in the way of a Conservative majority. This latter prospect scares the bejeepers out of those who suspect that if Canadians give Harper a majority, he'll tear off the blue sweater, do the power-mad Dr. Evil dictator laugh ("MOO-AH-HA-HA-HA!") and unleash the Secret Conservative Agenda (tax breaks for Big Oil, troops to Iraq, same-sex deportation, capital punishment for vegetarians) that he has stashed away in the Secret Conservative Hiding Place.
-- A Conservative staffer quit after admitting he plagiarized a speech Harper gave on Iraq. Stole it from the Aussie PM, confusing those who thought Harper only parroted George Bush. Makes you wonder how much our politicians actually think about the words that come out of their own mouths. If I were a speechwriter, I would stick in lines like "we?re declaring war on Belgium" or "I'm not wearing any underpants" just to see if my politician was paying attention to what he was reading.
-- A Vancouver NDP candidate quit after video surfaced of him smoking dope while judging a marijuana contest. Another Lower Mainland New Democrat resigned after video emerged of him smoking up and doing LSD. New NDP campaign platform: Ban YouTube, slap 1,000-per-cent sales tax on video cameras, bestow sainthood on Bob Marley.
-- And finally, you know how they say people elect the governments they deserve? The same holds true when they don't vote at all. There is a price to not paying attention until it is too late.
It's time to dance with Aunt Tilda.
Jack Knox writes for the Victoria Times Colonist. His column appears each Tuesday in The Citizen. He can be reached at
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Last Updated ( Monday, 06 October 2008 )
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