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Journal Entry December 27th 2007, 10:47 pm Just got home from work, had some snacks while at work tonight (popcorn, fibre source bar), nothing overly bad for me, but as soon as I got home, I got an overwhelming urge to stuff something in my mouth, I snatched a few sunchips, then reminded myself that I need to cut off eating 2 hours before bed. I’m cutting it close, but I will stick to the contract I signed. This time of day (or night as it were) is always the worst for me, I always have the urge to eat as soon as I get off work, or in general, when it gets late. This will likely be one of my biggest challenges. I’m not neccessarily sad, mad, fustrated or anything really except maybe tired. The only reason I can see for me having this urge at this time of night is that I have gotten my body used to it. I would stuff my face when I got home with whatever was easiest, and now I can’t, so now its calling me to feed it. Must resist! I can, and I will. I can do this.
Journal Entry January 3rd, 2008 12:55 pm Its been just over a week since I started living my best life. 1 week and 1 day to be exact. Has it been easy? Hardly. But have I been fighting tooth and nail this time? Nope. I’ve really put a lot of focus into making smaller changes in my life, and not beating myself up for not being perfect. Today has been particularly hard. I havn’t wanted or needed to slip up eating wise, but moving today has been particularly hard. I went to the gym yesturday and for the first time in a long time, I did some strength training and now I am paying for it. My muscles hurt. For 3 days I didn’t get much sleep, so last night in an effort to make sure I got a little more rest I took some pain killers to relax my muscles which also helped me get a good nights sleep. Slept like a baby, but woke up in a daze and have been so far all day. The thing I am most proud of though is that I still exercised. I got on my stationary bike and even if I didn’t go as hard as I normally do, I can be happy with myself for at least getting on the damn bike and moving my body. Just a few more days and hopefully my muscles will feel better and I can continue to do some strength training. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am doing this to be happy, not to be thin, and just loosing weight will not make me happy (I’ve been there, I know.) This while journey involves making my whole life better, not just my outer appearance.
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I have a comment then a question for you - a few years back I lost a fairly significant amount of weight (60 lbs), some through illness but most through healthier diet and selling my car and only using a bicycle to get around Kelowna. I found my self esteem to increase big time - feeling that my outer self looked a whole lot better than it had previously. However what I found disturbing was how people treated me differently - especially people who knew me before and after. I recall one person in particular who wouldn't give me the time of day while bigger, suddenly wanted to be my best buddy once I lost the weight. I'm sure this had something to do with my increased self esteem but not entirely. I just wanted to tell this person to go jump off a cliff! I felt I was, for the most part, the same person. So, my question for you is: did you experience this and if so, how did you deal with it?